10.19.05 - 2:19 am

ok ok ok ok. so listen, im back. i just glanced over entries from earlier this year.

who was i kidding? who is she kidding? she says that all i ever do in this journal is write about how miserable she makes me. completely glossing over all the happy times we ever had.
but as i read over my words, i cant help but just see how badly all i wanted was her to stop smoking. stop smoking weed. stop drinking so much. i was trying desperately to get her to be more like me. almost forcing her. the pain and anguish i was experiencing wasnt because she was necessarily a bad person, just someone who could not adapt to what i wanted her to be. that incongruence escalated the frustration, the disdain and the anguish of the relationship.

shell never be who i want her to be. ill never be who she wants me to be. i dont even know what her ideal partner is. all i could gather was that it was someone who let her do what she wanted. let her smoke. let her drink. let her do drugs.

i constantly whined about her not caring enough about me. i suspect she would say the same. so whos right? who cared more? who did more? who worked harder? who sacrificed more? who tried the hardest?

we broke up it shouldnt matter.
BUT IT DOES! i need some validation for this. but why does it need to come from outside sources? if you know inside that you did all you could, that you tried your hardest and you still continued to fail...why should it matter? good point.

i guess it doesnt. lets proceed.