10.20.05 - 11:15 am

what was i supposed to do? be nice? be happy? be friendly? joke around and laugh? make her laugh? pretend to enjoy her music? look at her and smile?

look, im not your friend. i seriously doubt i ever will be. i refuse to put aside my feelings just so you can be comfortable in a car with me. you complained i was a dick, i was rude, i was acting cocky.

i dont think i was any of those things. i think i was honest: i dont like you.

i drove ashton to tualatin at 1030 yesterday morning. but you werent in tualatin, you were at a gas station in sherwood getting your car. so i met you there. then you needed someone to lead the towtruck through the muddy winding roads to your secluded house. from your house you needed someone to drive you to the beach, only i refused to drive all the way to lincoln city and instead offered to meet your grandmother halfway. and by halfway she meant 2/3 of the way there at the casino. and then i drove back to corvallis. more than reasonably late for my class.

i smiled occasionally. i did laugh a few times. i told you what i thought of your music. it was terrible, but it doesnt mean i was opposed to listening to it and watching you dance around. but i cannot join you in dancing or singing in a car full of terrible music. i cannot actively engage you in conversation or tell you funny things. i was just driving you around getting you where you needed to be since no one else seemed interested or capable of doing such. no one at your house even offered to help pay for gas money, or even stepping up to say, "hey jordan, its ok. we can take sarah out to kathy." it always feels like you are my responsibility, regardless of the circumstances between us.

"why is it that sometimes you can be cool, and sometimes youre a dick?"

and i told you. the times that im cool im fooling myself. and i dont want to do that anymore. i thought that if i make myself look good, if im fun and enjoyable to be around, engage you in conversation, etc that maybe, just maybe youll say, "hey, what are you doing tonight? can i come over? lets go do something....i want to fix some things."
but now i want to stop doing that. i want to stop pretending i mean anything to you. i want to start acting how i feel, and i want to try to mean how i act.
and that includes not caring about you. in any way.

things had progressed so well. i felt better. and then for whatever reason i relapsed back into you. into hurting for you. and i hate it.

i had a terrible dream about you last night. i resorted to insulting you because i was so frustrated and hurt that you didnt want to be with me anymore.

it seems that im still sad that you gave up on me. but its not that. thats not whats bothering me. whats bothering me is that i cant get rid of these feelings, that its taking too long to get what i feel and what i want to feel to match up again. i want to feel normal again. i dont want to have anything to mull over or hurt over. i gave myself two years, but im really hoping its far less than that. its been five.

five months too long.