10.20.05 - 1:53 pm

im selfish. i dont want you involved. you warned me. i arrived with my priorities too late. i always knew this would happen. now please just go to bend, and never come back. a major source of my bitterness is the sense that ive been duped. ive been had. i was forced to go along with a project i didnt want to start, and then abandoned half way through. i dont remember partying all the time you were at home with ashton when he was just born. i remember i worked alot. i remember i went to school alot. and i remember you being an hour and a half away. i remember you not needing alot of help because you lived in a house with at least four other siblings who all wanted to watch ashton and help you, and the help of your mother. but what i dont remember is what you remember most. these are the times when you felt neglected, ignored or alone. and these are the times i made you feel that way. i cant do anything about that now. i cant say anything in defense or support of myself, because i really dont remember much more than my own disdain for you. and i was a year and a half too late in trying to make everything better by being the boyfriend whos always around, whos always ready to help financially, whos in love with his girlfriend and his child. but now im angry that you left me. hurt on a personal level, but angry in a grand scheme of things way. first i was forced to have a child with a meth addict. i was forced into a family that i did not like nor respect. i was forced to pay and support you. i was forced to tolerate you and your behavior and still support you. and all of this was done because i had hopes that somehow this would all work out. that i would eventually stop bitching about you giving me a child against my will, that eventually you would start learning to calm your quick temper and irrationality. that i would eventually forgive you and stop complaining. and that we would make it as a couple and as a family. theres nothing worse for me than being a single parent. you know this. i just feel like you fucked me over big time. i feel like we caused this big fucking mess and then you just dumped it all on me so you could go find some guys to fuck. if you knew eventually this was all you were going to end up doing, couldnt you just have chosen to break up with me well before ashton...and then meant it then instead of now? this is so fucking frustrating for me. im tired of complaining about this but im even more tired of feeling like this. youre a fucking anchor.