01.09.06 - 4:49 pm

kevin and you dont have a history.

the truth is, youre just a beer slut. you are a liar. and you are incapable of being anything more than selfish and careless.
and you are clearly unable of having an honest decent relationship with one person.
i wish youd fucking change for once.

me too.
i dont know what to say...
im not a good girlfriend, im selfish.
i cant communicate worth a damn.
i drink like a fish.
i party increadibly too much.
jordan i care about your feelings, and that's why i didn't tell you i kissed kevin the other night.
i have compassion, but im also soo increadibly impulsive.
im getting sick of being how i am, but i also dont want to change.
its not like i go around foofing whoever whenever. i like to have fun, and as much as i love you... i'm not letting myself be ready for a relationship.
i didnt want to talk to you about this because i figured it would all just go away, and i could save us both from pain and drama. i wanted to want to be with you so bad. i still do, but for some reason im not changing. i like having fun, i want time with my friends, i feel like i skipped out on a section of my life, and i never want to miss out on anything.
i hate doing the things i do and then completely regretting it afterwards. i cant ever figure out what i want, i only just act in the moment and its driving me FUCKING CRAZY.
i want consistency, i want love, i want fun, i want passion, i want you. but i need to figure out me.
i wish somebody would just grab me and shout in my face what they know is me. i want a personality test. i want answers about...myself.
why are the things that are fun to me, what they are? why cant i keep a relationship worth a damn? why can't i communicate? why do i have so many problems? why do i do/say things so often without thinking them through? why is it so hard for me to concentrate?
i know how you are, and i know that you only see good in people who haven't harmed you.
your hurt by what i've done, and i dont blame you..but i still dont want to lose your respect. i still want there to be something good between us. i hate the sittuation right now, i hate how i've felt over the past few days.
im a lunatic. and a complicated person, and i know this....
i just wish i didn't have such extreme anxiety and could actually focus on everything.
i need to talk to you about things...in general... i dont want this to have a shitty ending. if it even is an ending...
answer your phone.
call me back...
let me know your not out doing something stupid.
sarah