03.04.06 - 11:29 pm

saturday night. ashton.
friday night. ashton.

i dont care, really. hes been so adorable these last two nights. putting himself to bed. falling asleep on his own. telling me hes tired and wants to go lay down in his bed. as he lays there, under the covers he asks me what im doing at my desk, i say homework and he says ok, goodnight. and then hes asleep.

theres a block party tonight. lots of people. kobi, zach and ben are all headed out that way. sphinx says its like mardi gras.

tonight im doing the dad thing. and im ok with that. its just frustrating because, i know sarah isnt just sitting at home watching tv all by herself like i am. and its slightly aggrivating that friday and saturday shes able to go out and do whatever...and i get off work and have a child. and i know she does that on weekdays, for the most part. but maybe what it really comes down to is that she has the blossoming social life where shes not really a mom, but a desireable 21 year old. and im a 24 year old just finishing college in a town where most of my friends have all graduated or moved back home.

listen to myself. im....whining. woe is me. seriously. shut up.

ok fine. but fuck. im angry. im pissed. im at work for an hour facing and taking out the garbage by myself, and i toil over things that caused our relationship to fail repeatedly. i consider how my cirumstances got in the way. i had school during the day. homework during the evening. work at night and all day on the weekends. i think about all the things i didnt do to cause her to lose interest. i think about the idea that...all she does is want to spend time with her friends. and she loves going out with her friends. and always her friends.

but what about me? what the fuck was i? wasnt i supposed to be her best friend? was i really that unenjoyable to hang out with? would i have been even less entertaining to be with if i was out with her AND her friends? thinking of those things hurts my feelings, causes me to resent myself.
but then i think about how fucked up that sounds. and how stupid id have to be to believe that it was me at all. it was her. she just isnt ready for a committed relationship. shes not ready to be a full time mom, part time child. she wants to be full time child, convenient time mom. she denies it. left and right. says she doesnt drink as much as i think she does. says she doesnt go out as much as i think she does. says she hasnt been with anyone.

i cant believe anything she says. but why do i care?

why cant i just focus on me and ignore her as just a tiny annoyance? because i dont want to do this alone. because the only person i want is the person that gave me this life to begin with. i want to come home and raise a child with the other person who helped create him. i want there to be that three person unit. that three person family. i want sarah to appreciate that idea, and to realize how stupid shes really being. she says she doesnt like that we arent together, and i know thats a complete lie. because otherwise, thered be some different signals coming from her. and that hurts my feelings to. to have someone glad theyre not with you? to enjoy that freedom apart because someone or something else is that much more enjoyable.....than you. seriously, that really hurts.

im so ready to just be done with school. to have one job, one single task during the day. to have weekends off. to be making a decent amount of money and paying off debts. and to put myself back into a social position where i can meet people who want something other than alcohol and parties. people who are honest with themselves and others. people who enjoy and respect that i have a child and enjoy just doing nothing after work several nights in a row.

my car was a long time coming. and i think it really was worth the wait.

i want there to be a relationship a long time coming. i want it to be worth the wait.