03.09.06 - 2:08 pm

well, i guess i dont mind that i bitch about my past relationship. im finding that ultimately, thats what alot of people have to do to get through it. some people are still in their relationships that they bitch about. some people dont know when to give up. some people dont know what they have.

katy still bitches about john. i think its been well over six months since they seperated. its good to see her still struggling. they were only together a year. helps me not feel so insecure and ashamed to still hurt for sarah. i get in the shower nearly every day with another conversation to myself about her. one side justifying our breakup, the other chastizing him for even considering such foolish thoughts. you really are a fool. but in reality theres nothing i can do that i havent tried. sleeping with girls still feels empty. almost like a chore. i cant find enough motivation for anything to keep my mind occupied. im beginning to think that my isolation and time wasting and hopelessness in some way is due to the end of our relationship. so by that rationale, does that mean if her and i were still together, id be doing better in school and would be more focused? im going to have to say yes, actually.
and thats terribly sad to me that i was dependant on our relationship for security. i should do well regardless of the women in my life. but this has been a terribly long struggle.

she continues to condescend me for "needing a girl in my life at all times". and i dont know if thats absolutely true. i dont need a girl. but things are so much more enjoyable with one around. i look to a partner for security and dependability. she looks for multiple partners for extra attention. im still angry. im still bitter. im still upset. thats why i write these worthless unorganized rants that ultmately just shroud me trying to degrade her.

erin and i discussed the toll long distance takes on a relationship. her boyfriend of four months lives in california. while the distance is playing a major factor in her reservations, theres something about his life and hers that arent matching up. hes not organized. he doesnt know what he wants to do with his life. erin has been forced to be very goal oriented since the birth of her son and lack of help. shes needed to make plans, and stick to them. shes needed to watch her money very carefully. shes had to push herself very hard to be as successful as she is today. shes had no one else to depend on except herself. and to have someone that disrupts that part of her life is becoming increasingly difficult for her to tolerate.

what was it that ended sarahs feelings for me? what is it that andi and erin still see, but that sarah grew uninterested in? what is it about the men shes now attracted to and sees that is all so invigorating? the newness? their age? is it that theyre out of school and like to drink and smoke as much as she does? why does she continue to do that inspite of having a child? why is that so hard for her to give up and grow out of? erin drinks so very infrequently, and smoking only when drinking. why is it that sarah cant acknowledge her own smoking and drinking? she tells me she doesnt ever do it as much as i think she does. but, i get a feeling she feels like she has to justify alot to me. to lie alot to me. shes exceptionally worried about my interpretations of her behavior stirring ideas in other peoples heads. she doesnt liked to be talked about negatively. this is going no where. stop it.