03.23.06 - 5:34 pm

sometimes i find myself still under this unconscious idea that this whole thing is just another temporary seperation. ill go have my sex, she'll have hers, and in a few months she will want to have sex with me again. she'll want to come over. she'll want to be a psuedo family unit again. and i have to catch myself, because...im ok with that. sometimes.

its like in a dream, when the most ridiculous circumstances are occuring, and because youre dreaming, they seem totally rational and tangible.

so i have to blink suddenly, and snap out of it. even if she did want to come back, thats it. there are no more chances left. you may be feeling ok now, but just a few days ago you were upset. and i promise you, youll be upset in the next few days.

i just have to continually babysit myself. for everytime im able to remember a good memory, i immediately have to pair it with an example of how terrible a girlfriend she was. in addition, instead of running from the anguish of visualizing her with someone else, ive been forcing myself to stay. to grow accustomed. to feel the pain slip away. a technique similar to flooding. hopefully, in time, ill not only be without thoughts of being with her again, but ill also be able to feel just as indifferent to her enjoying getting fucked by some guy as i do to getting continuous cups of coffee at burger king.

my work shirt smells of vomit and i dont know why.
last night i was up till 530 am.

and ben was correct in what i was doing. that weasily little bastard.