06.12.06 - 12:49 am

sickenly satisfying. i dont know why. a shiny new machine. continually set on repeat.

i love it.

its an interesting place im in at the moment. sitting in the dark on the verge of moving. on the verge of a new potential relationship. the husks of broken relationships still in the contact lists of my cell phone. that one girl in hillsboro. the one that would have maybe made a great girlfriend, minus the smoking. the one that you devastated. unknowingly. the one that some two years later is still afraid to see you....so baffling.

and then theres that new one. so awkward. eventually ill just be like...look, this is whats going on inside me here. and you can accept it or leave it.

but i expect potential disaster here as well.

but a fond memory of annoyance this morning. ashton, his behavior deteriorating so rapidly when shes around. her passing it off like its me, but when i reality...its completely her. smelling of cigarrettes and alcohol. trying to ask me about her boyfriend without having to say so. she will never understand her own behavior or take responsibility for it. insecurity and jealousy. why was she like that, she asks.

it will be too late by the time you learn, what these cryptic symbols mean....

tomorrow i go searching for ashton and i's new home for the next six months to a year. i cant wait. i really think this will be a wonderful experience, living alone in my own place. forking up a shit load of money a month in order to do so. it will be a grand palace. without parties. without roommates. without continuous laughter. without disgusting kitchens. without exceptional stories.

i hope i make regular visits to bens deluxe studio with my juicy juices for some shield, nip tuck and late night channel surfing. ill need a saying though as i just randomly show up.

ahoy hoy is already in use.