07.13.06 - 1:30 am

i cant say i feel good right now. even in spite of having most of everything i could want or need, im still missing two important parts of my life:

cody

and

one of two women.

i just read over an email sent to me back in september 2005. i shouldnt have. i just read over a journal silent since september of 2004. such a void i feel with their departures in my life. and as hard as i try to fill it....it ceases to fill. no amount of replacement women ends it. no amount of reading or slothing about helps. even enjoying ashton to the best we can does little more than patch it over with a thin brittle crust.

its the night time that does it. its the solitude in the dark. its knowing that ashtons in my bed, and shes in someone elses. her phone dies so she texts me from seans phone. of course shes with sean.

wonderful thing this all is and has been. wonderfully ridiculous. wonderfully terrible.