10.16.06 - 11:42 am

julia:
i wrote you the first ignored email on 9/6.

and, yes, i'm serious. i told you how your continued, mis-directed obsession, infatuation, and relationship with sarah would effect our relationship and i meant it. i meant it all the hundreds of times i told you and was brushed off. i meant it every single time, and every single time you acted as if i was just saying those things to make conversation.

and i still don't remember being rude to you nor do i know why you would be angry with me, knowing full well i am not a bullshitter and never have been - you make me almost feel stupid for hanging on as long as i did - i have never had more patience with a single human being as i had with you. i can imagine you are probably angry with me for ignoring your phone calls, texts, and the postcard (thank you)... but shouldn't you be directing that anger towards yourself?

i know that you know i think about you everyday. and that's what we'll have to live with. too many irreconcilable differences, which sucks due to our lengthy, intimate past. i don't hate you... never have, never will. i told russell i will always be available in an emergency (even one involving a thornton) and to not hesitate - and i mean the same for you. especially one involving ashton.

this is most likely pointless emailing. i've gone back and forth in my head as to whether or not to re-establish a relationship with you... contact you on your birthday... on ashton's birthday. i'm not and was not trying to be a bitch to you. i hold nothing against you except the highly anticipated failure of our friendship. disappointment is what i think of when i think of us... not in you as a person, but in our continuous battle to hold onto each other. i failed. you failed. we failed.

so... feel free to enlighten me as to how I have angered YOU.

me:
Julia,
I received your email. It accidentally got deleted when my email account expired, and then I struggled with how to respond. For a long time. I apologize for the delay; I think I�m ready now.

I�m not angry at myself for the choice you made in ending our relationship. When I think about the poor decision making involved with continuing my relationship with Sarah, I can justify it. It�s easy for me to say, well, I had hope. I had hope that things were going to work out in spite of everything, against all the obvious signs I was wrong. Would I make the same decisions again? I hope not. But at the time, I was willing to sacrifice to make it work. I think anyone else would have. I think everyone is supposed to under similar circumstances, the mistakes are just as valuable as the potential success.
But then I think about you, and the things going on in your life at the time. You were confused about love, you were suffering from body image and insecurity issues, and your best friends were active drug users of methamphetamines and cocaine.

And that�s where I get really angry. I get mad that you chose to end our friendship because of a difficult relationship I was having with someone else. Is this really your only reason? And this may be ignorant, since I really don�t know, but it�s interesting you chose to end what we had, yet continue to be close friends with people, who in my perspective, had similar personal problems they were battling: Adan with drugs. Jordan with infidelity. Jeff with marijuana addiction. Not the same as a troubled girlfriend, but just as damaging.

But more importantly, what about the disagreements I had with your behavior? Your continued weed use. The fact that after Italy, the only time I ever saw you was when you were high with Adan. The thought of ending my friendship with you because of how strongly I felt against you doing that was an impossibility. You knew my feelings on it in regards to you. You knew that I hated how often I thought you drank, and your cigarette smoking.

What I'm trying to poorly point out is that in spite of the choices you were making that I continually and strongly disagreed with, never was I going to end my adoration of you. And I'm angry that you disagreed so strongly with my relationship with Sarah, that I was forced to choose between the two of you. All of course, while I was supposed to tolerate your behavior, without requiring the same decision from you. I�m not going to be angry at myself for a choice you made, when I am unable to empathize the reasons behind it. I can�t relate to ending my relationship with you because of the choices you were making that I disagreed with.

I am pleased that you think of me every day. I think of you every day. And yes, I battle daily with fixing this, and working us out. In many ways, these emails are a start, and aren�t pointless. But don�t expect me to use you as an emergency anything. How stupid does that sound in the context of our current situation?

I hope things are going well for you.