10.16.06 - 10:11 am

with such haste did she respond to the question, while i thought about it in the silly context of how we must appear to them, and whether or not we should inspite of our current status.

"do you want this to be a group picture?"
"no."

we werent a group. there was no sarah ashton and jordan family picture. this was strictly an ashton photo session.

although ashton wrapped my arms around him and demanded that i get my picture taken with him.

but she appeared then, not as the sarah i knew. those three years of tears and fights, of love and adoration, of pain and misery; but as the biological other half of the child about to get his picture taken. she smelled of alcohol, enough for me to want to ask the lady seated at the computer if she thought so as well. she looked tired, but pretty. i inspected her appearance in a way i hadnt before. instead of looking at her longingly, remembering how i used to touch and taste her skin, there was a critical naturalistic approach i found myself engaged in. her skin was too tan. her eye brows too thin. her narrowly closed eyes hinted she was exhausted, stayed up too late and hadnt slept long. the smell of cigarrettes and alcohol on her breath from the night before implied she had played after work. her hair looked great, finally a decent color, with a great healthy shine. her last attempt at a darker hair color was a terrible black, completely unflattering on her. she has grown up nicely.

she ruined her new car already. had i not questioned the smell of alcohol on her breath that morning, i would have just excused the side swipe damage to fatigue; driving home sometime after 230 am, ending a tiring long day of work and childrearing. but i have my suspicions it was a combination of things that lead to her hitting some construction that night.

and ashton. so perfect and enjoyable he was to watch on his blanketed pedestal. posing with the skill of a mannequin, with such a delighted smile on his face. he thoroghly enjoyed calling the photographer a turkey (as per his request). the last time i got his picture taken professionally was two years ago, with cody. it was a spontaneous decision, and only cost me $15. cody, who hated ashton. and ashton, who adored cody. together. it was brilliant.

the first thing ashton said to the photographers was that "grandma lynn ran over cody and cody died."

im assuming ashton thought the photographers must be wondering where his canine companion was this time around.

as of now, things are smooth between sarah and i. she steals my clothes that i steal from her and my mom. but shes mostly nice, still quick to anger and frustrate. but as long as i act like some type of old highschool friend, things are fine. and its quietly annoying, to have to be that. theres still a soft presence that reminds me that i used to love this girl. but as long as its not a battle over the rights of my son, interacting with her in this psuedo content relationship is comfortable enough.

a choice. decide. commit.

and write julia back.