02.18.08 - 10:25 am

it was a stunning, crisp morning as i drove to work. mount st helens, 53 miles away, looked as clear as mt hood, glistening with a thick coat of snow. the air was warm and bright inside my car as i crossed the ross island bridge, giving way to the illusion the temperature was anything but frigid outside.

this was the morning i found out my grandmother was going to die.

i think the alarm on my phone went off sometime around 930, and as i reached to press snooze, i noticed 5 missed calls and 4 text messages. i immediately recognized the situation was something important. whitney had called repeatedly. mom had texted me to call her. and my father simply wrote:

8:51 am Morning jordan your grandmother is leaving us this morning.

when i called him, he couldnt even speak. he was in arizona already. i called whitney, she started to cry too. my mom called to see if i was ok. i didnt feel anything yet.

except dread.

i knew pain was coming. i knew tears and sadness was soon to catch up with me. i knew my family would be hurting. i knew a cloud of misery would hang over all of us for the next few weeks. i was not ready to endure this. i didnt feel like experiencing it. being sad over the loss of someone you care about is far too unpleasant and i already did it a few years ago.

i got off the phone. i showered. i dressed. i watched a beautiful mind with justin michael davis and julie. i went to work. nothing. it was there, like a lead weight in my chest, but it couldnt do any damage yet. even as i write this, i have yet to begin mourning.

i was mad at my father for a short while. angry that he was in arizona, and come to find out since wednesday. he knew that whitney wanted to go to arizona. he knew that i wanted to take ashton down to see grandma one more time. and here, he knew she was dying and didnt offer to take us. i had money in my account i could have used on a plane ticket. but as i spoke with him last night he told me he had come down for his brothers birthday, my uncle frank. that this was not planned at all. they had planned on all going to my aunt katie and uncle larrys house, my grandma val with them. but she had a stroke.

then another.

they put her on life support so that everyone could come see her and perhaps talk with her. and then they took away the respirator. my father said she was incoherant. i dont think talking with her in this state made him feel any better. if anything, i imagine it would make it all so much worse.

he called me during dinner to say she had left.

its not real yet. the pain isnt something i can touch being this far away. its not something i can see. but its coming.

as it all gets more real, its coming.