04.05.08 - 11:12 am

a journal first! julie, feeling misrepresented spoke aloud about wishing to represent herself properly. so here is her chance to do so. the other side of the coin, per se. another perspective during a moment in time.

First, a conversation on how this entry came about:

OMG... I demand a retraction!

...Hrm?

You know what...

No, I don't.

Your journal is a gross misrepresentation of my sentiments yesterday!

They are my representation, and from my perspective. Leave it alone.

Not like I can do anything, but if you're going to say what I supposedly said, you should at least get it right!

I wrote what I distinctly remember you saying, with maybe slight irrelevant differences in syntax. If it's not what you remember...it�s what I remember.

Well it's not what I said at all. and it totally doesn't illustrate my point of view at all either. which is why I don't like you writing about our arguments. FYI I'm not mad but I really don't think it's right at all.

Well again, it doesn't need to illustrate your point. it's not your journal. and I think it does a great job of describing my perspective. if you want to write your own...I'll post it.

I don't feel like I should have to justify myself to your friends after I already did to you, which is why I told you before I didn't like you posting our arguments online. I'm not as comfortable as you exposing my inner thoughts and insecurities to the rest of the world and especially not when they are incorrect.

Then don't write it as a justification. Write it from your perspective. I'd love it if you did.

Yes, but do you see how that is frustrating to me? The fight is over in my opinion. We both said what we thought and worked it out between the two of us and I don't want to have to rehash it for the benefit of your readers. I know you think it doesn't matter because it's your thing. but it involves me...VERY personally and I don't like being misrepresented. And please don't get defensive because again, I'm not mad, I'm just telling you how I feel.

Ok, then don't write anything if you think it would purely be for benefit of readers, write it for me or a marker in time. Or don't write anything at all. I'm sorry you feel misrepresented, not my intention only my interpretation of events going on in my life. Ok, I'm not mad and I don't feel attacked. I hope I'm not coming across defensively.

No, I just didn't want you to think I'm starting another fight. I know you didn't mean for it to come across that way. But we have very different ways of thinking things through so I doubt you will ever accurately depict my feelings.

------------

"Write it from your perspective. I'd love it if you did," he says. I HATE WRITING! Writing all this is boring and pointless when we've already worked it out. Who am I writing this to? Jordan's friends and family � total strangers?? What business is this fight of theirs? We've worked through it; I'm happy, he's happy. Now why do we have to go and involve all these other people...and tell them about our fight??

Nevertheless, I decided it was worth my while to write a response, not just because I am bored and this will make up some time, but more importantly because I have two points I want to get across:

1. My relationship with Jordan is nobody else's business AND
2. Jordan's journal entries misrepresent the way I feel about issues and therefore misrepresent me.

It annoys me to have to address the first issue because we have already talked about it and I thought he understood where I was coming from. And for a while, he did honor my wishes. It doesn't seem like that heavy of a concept to understand, I mean I can certainly understand his perspective. He has an outlet where he can write about anything he wants, talk about what's going on in his life, vent out frustration and stay in touch with potentially lost friends. I don't have a problem with that until it comes to me, and our relationship...and this entry is a good example of why it bothers me. We obviously had a fight, of which you may or may not think is of significance (and I'm still debating that point myself) but nevertheless, it was a fight. We both spoke our piece and at the end of the day worked it out. I feel good about the outcome and I think Jordan is probably at least satisfied but still thinks I overreacted, and I probably did. Then he posted it on his journal. Rather, he posted HIS interpretation of the fight in his journal. I have so many reactions to this, some of which follows:

- That is NOT what I said nor is it the gist of my argument
- Not only is it not what I said, but now everyone who reads this will make assumptions about who I am as a person based on completely false representations of my sentiments.
- This is no one else's business.
- I didn't sign any sort of waiver in order to have my personal relationship with my boyfriend displayed on the internet for everyone to see.
- I don't assume the same sort of frankness with my emotions and personal life as Jordan does to feel comfortable sharing this type of information with people I don't know or with Jordan's personal friends who read his page.
- Last and probably most irrationally, Jordan has resolved the issue and can now laugh about how ridiculous I sound with the rest of his friends. (I say this based on the fact that I think I come across very poorly, over sensitive and irrational in Jordan's view of our arguments)

I realize that some amount of sharing will go on in any relationship as people talk to their close friends to gain perspective or validation, and that amount of sharing is completely legitimate and non offensive to me. Generally the people who one shares this information with are close confidants, and usually know the other person in the relationship as well. Therefore the judgments or interpretations of events are based on context, and information in conjunction with personal viewpoints, rather than simply one person's interpretation.

I feel like not sharing personal and intimate information about my feelings and our relationship is a matter of respect. Especially respect for my feelings, which ARE very personal and which I don't feel I can give as openly if I know they can be examined by anyone and everyone in a one-sided view.

Now for point two (at this time I�m wishing I didn't have a point two...is anyone still reading?): Jordan did not just say, "I wouldn't have been attracted to her in high school." He said something more along the lines of, "After looking at your senior pictures, I have to say, I would not have been attracted to you at all!" Then he goes on to describe his disliking further saying he has refined tastes in women and I was simply not attractive to him at all. As previously mentioned, I said that his comment was probably the rudest thing anyone has ever said to me. He tried to explain that people say that about babies all the time so it should be fine, right? NO! Babies have NO control over what they look like, they're heads have just been squeezed out of a vagina, they're usually hairless and dressed in ridiculous clothes. He says, "Well it's been like 10 year since then Julie, you look totally different."
...still no, Jordan, I didn't look like a freak in high school with a snaggle tooth, big bangs and 180 lbs! I look nearly the same as I did then; my hair may be a different color and I probably weigh more now then I did then! So unless I went from high school geek to beauty queen, a comment like "I would NOT have been attracted to you AT ALL" is NOT going to make me feel good.

"so then came her analysis of what i said:
you said i was hideous in highschool. you said that i was ugly. now whenever i look at those pictures, all ill ever be able to think about is how hideous i was to everyone. ill always think now that everyone thought i was ugly in highschool." This is very peculiar that he writes this in his journal because I distinctly remember making this clarification to him in our argument. I never said I would always think that I was hideous in high school, I clearly stated to him, twice, that I said when I looked at the pictures he was referring to I would always think to myself, "Does everyone else think I am unattractive in these photos?" Not a big deal, but another example of how my reactions are misrepresented in his writings.

He says, "so i worked in an apology in the middle of my rationalization of why i said what i said. trying to justify myself or explain myself which then made my apology not sincere enough. enough, i thought? i only said sorry once, she said. only once... a specific number of apologies equals a happy girlfriend."

ALL WRONG! Sorry Jordan, nice try. I'm not exactly sure how many times I told you this yesterday, but I would have thought that at one point the meaning would have sunk in. It's not how many times you say you're sorry...it�s whether you mean it or not. Your sorry came in the mix of justifications you were giving for why you said it, why I was overreacting, why I was too sensitive, why I needed to just let it go, etc. What you were really saying was, "Julie I'm sorry that you are so oversensitive and take everything I say wrong and I wish you would just let it go because you should realize you're being ridiculous." � Not the sorry I was looking for.

Whether or not I was overreacting, being slightly sensitive, whatever...it was a COMPLETELY rude thing to say no matter how you look at it. My feelings were hurt and you didn't mean for it to come across that way...so why couldn�t you have just said that, "Julie I really didn't mean for it to come across like that, I'm really sorry if I hurt your feelings." Instead, you have to go into this tirade about how it was a totally legitimate thing to say and I should just get over it. Never in any of this conversation did you show one inkling of remorse, regret or sorrow. It was all just about me being ridiculous and you being vindicated for what you said.

I told you what I wanted, I said I thought you should apologize and I was met with resistance and justifications...so what else was I suppose to say? You were unwilling to budge and you pissed me off. So I sat there. In silence. For 2 hours....hoping that you would eventually just say, "Look I'm sorry." Geeze! How hard is that?!

After all of this writing, do I feel better about the way things turned out? Do I feel better about Jordan posting this on his journal? ABSOLUTELY NO. i feel ridiculous...almost humiliated that i even had to rehash it all. I don't feel good about the way i handled things, i don't feel good about what Jordan said and I especially don't feel good that all of you are now reading about it.