03.31.08 - 8:08 pm

i smell. i smell good. i smell like a guy should after wearing the same clothes for more than four days in a row. i wore this outfit to work. to julies sisters house. to the beach. to reedsport. to my apartment. every part of my outfit smells. there are numerous stains already on my white sweatshirt. it smells. the green malden basketball shirt smells. i love that shirt. the jeans have glue on them, glue and salt and smell on them. the brown shoes have wavy lines of salt residue around the toes. im sure they smell too. a shower will do me good.

i just finished a fight with julie. again over comments i made that werent supposed to be taken so sensitively. i think i do this quite often. say things that are interpreted as callous, that is. easily misinterpreted.

at her parents house in reedsport, there are numerous pictures of her during highschool. i told her that i wouldnt have been attracted to her in highschool. she would come to tell me that was the single most hurtful thing anyone has ever told her before. so i tried to explain myself, give her some context to why i would make a statement like that. people tell each other that they were ugly as babies all the time, and no one really bats an eye. they laugh about it. well julie is very attractive now. shes far more attractive now that she was when we started dating. julie called it a backhanded compliment. yeah, i guess it was. i was trying to compliment her now by insulting her then. apparently that doesnt work. so then came her analysis of what i said:
you said i was hideous in highschool. you said that i was ugly. now whenever i look at those pictures, all ill ever be able to think about is how hideous i was to everyone. ill always think now that everyone thought i was ugly in highschool.
gross overgeneralizations. so i worked in an apology in the middle of my rationalization of why i said what i said. trying to justify myself or explain myself which then made my apology not sincere enough. enough, i thought? i only said sorry once, she said. only once? she adamently resents that i said she plays games. but it certainly feels that way when there are levels of sincerity and a specific number of apologies equals a happy girlfriend. i was sincere the first time, of course i immediately recognized the comment i made was offensive, and of course i said it because didnt think it would come across so. it was foolish, yes i realize that now. a mistake. but for the next two hours we didnt talk. she played the silent game, and i played right along. only after i lost trying to be nice. but we got that all resolved. im insensitive. shes oversensitive. im probably going to always be wrong in the future.

how did i get to reedsport? where the hell is reedsport? a small village 30 miles north of coos bay. some four hours south west of portland. thats quite a bit of driving. julies grandfather had a severe heart attack sunday night, and her family was all rapidly heading to his bedside. julie and i were in lincoln city, on a bus headed towards a casino. justin michael davis, aaron and the indian sat behind us excitedly looking forward to the adventures and gambling, the meal we had planned for after and the long evening on the beach that would follow that.
i sat in hospital lobbies, slept in a camper and briefly discussed atheism with rob, julies british brother in law. i refused to shower at her parents house the next morning. it felt uncomfortable. this annoyed julie, just like it did when i tried to always refuse to spend the night at her sisters house. i felt imposing. rude. that boyfriend with the lettermans jacket that comes over and parks his car in the lawn. the guy who gives highfives to angry fathers. i didnt want to be that guy.

the beach was beautiful. simply stunning. the air was still, the sky blue, the sun golden. snow, rain, sleet, wind and darkness followed us from portland but immediately stopped once the ocean came into view. it was a incredible day to be on the oregon coast. julie, aaron, michelle the indian, justin michael davis and myself sat on a deck high above the sands of the coast overlooking the grand expanse of the ocean. we listened to tupac, discussed the meanings and stories behind eminem songs and had several drinks. aaron brought a metal detector. he found a pile of nails and half a penny buried beneath the sand. i was only allowed to hold the penny for a few breathless moments.

i havent showered since yesterday morning. i still smell. julie is still my girlfriend inspite of my consistent ability to annoy and hurt her. i have a fish tank to fill. a financial budget to work out. and some ads to post on craigslist.