05.23.08 - 2:58 pm

so the boy is sick. hes with sarah, but hasnt been eating well, been throwing up, sleeping alot. id prefer to be the one taking care of him. not because sarah is ill suited for this sort of thing, but just because...i just want to participate. hes never sick with me. hes never thrown up when ive had him.

hes had growing pains. those were hard on him. his legs would ache. hed wake up wailing in an agony i couldnt relieve. id rub icyhot on his calves and that would satisfy him temporarily. what always seemed to do the trick was allowing him to sleep in my bed. for whatever reason, my bed has healing properties that allowed the pain to go unnoticed enough for him to fall right asleep.

in recent memory, i dont think i can remember him without a runny nose. and with a runny nose, of course youll always find a finger up it. its as if its compulsory.

and then, there was the other day: when my step brother battle rammed ashtons face with a plastic toy jeep. a deep red wound streaked under his left eye like an upside down V. to the untrained medical eye, it would appear begging for stitches, but in ashtons case, the biggest bandaid available would do instead. injuries are so short lived with children. its fascinating how quickly their attention can be displaced, and where the injury will fall in a childs list of priorities.

like the time ashton was at my work with me. while i was out of sight, he picked up a razor blade and dragged it through the pad of his thumb. he was hurt and bleeding, a cut like that is deep and painful. but, holding back his tears, he kept apologizing, asking me if i was mad at him. it broke my heart. he was more concerned that i would be angry that hed hurt himself than he was about the pain he was feeling from the blade.

ultimately its a shame i have to miss out on any of his life. the illnesses or school days. days to the zoo or trips to the beach. its frustrating to know that ill always only get to experience half of his life, instead of all of it.