10.17.08 - 9:00 am

its been a rough past few days. sarah and i have been sparring over issues that shouldnt require such extreme effort. its emotionally exhausting. my hands shake. my heart rate increases. sarah smiles and talks to me like i cant feel the seething bitterness in her voice. her eyes are wide, she nods her head as she speaks. her act is convincing to no one. she continues to wield ashton as a weapon in order to satisfy five years of angst and contempt for me. i still dont know what shes so bitter about after all this time. she would laugh hollowly and tell me none of this has anything to do with her and i, and her only focus is on ashton. she would say that its only me who sees the issues as between her and i. but when her attacks and behavior are so angry and resentful, its hard to see any other reason why she would act this cruelly and irrationally.

and its only gotten worse these last few days.

october 14th.

sarah: we can meet tomorrow afternoon, to get your name on the BC. on the terms that i heifen ashtons last name to Noe-Thornton. I have the form, and we can meet at the bank.

finally. she was ready to do this. after several weeks of struggle, she was ready. but i told her i wasnt interested in signing anything with preconditions. i was not interested in her hyphenating ashtons last name. it just seemed so absurd and unnecessary.

over the phone she responded with:
its not a precondition, because i talked to ashton about it. and if you really dont want it that way, then it doesnt have to be. i just figured since we were never married. youre still his dad. hes still a noe. he'll just be a thornton too.

so weet meet the next day at the us bank in tualatin. i ask the teller for a notary, and she hands me off to adam. i tell him we are getting some papers notarized and that the other party is not here yet and sit and wait in the lobby.

they arrive shortly after.

sarah and dusty. no hellos. no hey whats up from dusty. hes still angry. i grab a pen and start to fill out my information when under

Section 4 CHILDS LAST NAME:
How is the last name of the child to appear on the birth certificate: Noe Thornton

i turn to sarah.

really? You really want to do this? She looks over at me, and puts on her fake passive aggressive smile. She nods.

uh huh. why. whats wrong with my name being in there?

i just think its silly. unnecessary. i mean, five years later and now you want to make it like this?

i dont think its silly. hell have my name and your name. so if putting my name on there is silly, are you saying that my last name is silly? is that what youre saying? my last name is silly?

no, no i wasnt saying that at all actually. i just think hyphenating his name is ridiculous at this point and you said it wasnt a big deal. it didnt have to be this way if i didnt want it like this. hes still going to be a thornton, regardless of his last name saying it.

i dont understand, first you say you want your name on the birth certificate, and now that we are here, you dont want to sign it. you are completely contradicting yourself.

well no, no im not. i just thought you said this wasnt a big deal and that it didnt have to be like this.

well, it does. and if you dont like it, we can just take this somewhere else.

where are you going to take it?

we can take this somewhere else to get signed and petition you.

ok then do it sarah.

fine.

she grabs the Voluntary Acknowledgement of Paternity Affidavit papers, and her and dusty walk out of the bank.

but not before dusty says out loud:

good. thatll make it easier on us.

nice.

an hour go by. several unanswered phone calls. i finally answer. she wants to meet again, and get the papers signed the way i want them signed. without the hyphenated last name. she wants a reason though. she felt all i was giving her were adjectives and not reasons. so i told her that changing his name five years later just seems sort of peculiar. that the amount of time that has passed has made it really extraneous and unnecessary. five years? i tell her that if she marries dusty, she will have a different last name than ashton. dusty wont be a thornton. their new child wont be a thornton. ashton will have a last name of no one in their family unit. and especially after all that talk about last name confusion, and here you are forcing it on him.

she doesnt agree but just wants this done with. she also informs me that my name hasnt been on the birth certificate knowingly for five years. a few months ago she came in to upscales and asked me almost confused: is there any reason why your name wouldnt be on ashtons birth certificate? and here she tells me shes known all along, and even made it that way. kept my name off it when she signed it because she just didnt think it was a big deal at the time. that it wasnt necessary. she didnt want it on there.

we meet. we notarize. she crosses out thornton, and initials next to it acknowledging the change. i take my copy, she takes hers and the original. i wanted to take the original, but i felt like i could fall back on the records in the notarys log book and my own copy if any problems came up. and, not to be without the last word, sarah pushes open the doors of the bank lobby and says extra joyously:

there, now youre the legal sperm donor.

then i left to pick up ashton from school.