10.19.08 - 11:51 pm

thursday, october 16th.

ashton and i finished up with my client, and headed towards school. we finished our lunch, he ate all of his mandarin oranges and i gave him his frosty.

this morning had been ashtons first parent teacher conference. i woke up at 7 to make sure i was there to meet with his teacher and find out what she thought of him. i left just after 8, but by the time i got to the end of powell it was already closing in on 830, and there was no way i was going to make it to tualatin by 845. traffic has a wonderful way of being slow just on the days when id rather it be absent. so i turned around and wrote his teacher a quick email to apologize.

as i would soon remember, there was no school today, or tomorrow for that matter due to the conferences. so we turned around and headed to my work. sarah and dusty were already there waiting when we arrived. ashton was disappointed she was there so soon, he was hoping he would have gotten to stay at work with me. i told him i dont think his mother would allow it, but he could always ask. i let him down off my shoulders and from inside the car sarah asked if i was going to give her the $50 so she could mail off the paternity affidavit.

"ill just turn it in," i say.

"no, you dont need to. ill do it."

"youre sure youre going to turn it in?"

"yes."

i leave ashton and head to my car to get my check book. i turn around to see ashton coming towards me, his head lowered. hes crying softly.

"goodbye daddy. i decided to go with my mom. but im going to miss you. im going to miss you daddy."

i hugged him and told him that i loved him and that it would be ok. that i would see him tonight. that we would start the story we were going to write. and we would have the halloween dinner julie had planned. i picked him up and carried him back over to sarahs car and she helped get him inside. she shut his door and approached me.

"you need to tell your boss that youre going to have two days off in a row. because this....is not working anymore. and you enabling him, by hugging him when hes upset about this, is not helping him at all. you are making this worse."

"my work schedule isnt changing, sarah. its just the way it is."

"well then we arent going to do this anymore." she said smiling. her entire body glowing with patronization, her threat thinly veiled.

"do what sarah? theres no way you can do anything. especially with you and dusty and your snide comments....'good that makes it easier on us...'. i mean really? really sarah? dont try to have a mature adult conversation with me while youre behaving like this."

"jordan, i dont think you realize just what i can do."

i walk towards the front door, and unlock it. sarah follows me inside.

"you cant do anything sarah. im not worried."

"no honey, you dont understand what i am capable of. and as for getting ashton tonight after work, dont worry about it. you can just get him next week."

"um, no sarah. you cant just take my son away like that. ill just pick up ashton tonight..."

"he wont be there. how about i just keep him until we let the courts figure all this out."

"and how about i just see you at seven like weve been doing."

smiling, she shakes her head. and walks out the door.

i get a text a few minutes later.

sarah: i will not allow you to warp my child. it isnt fair to him. you are....very wrong in your opinions. i have extremely reliable sources to back me up on that, jordan. your crumbling poor ashton apart.

me: sarah, its becoming obvious that cooperating with me is impossible. during the time you so generously allocated to me to spend with my son, when i have to be at work, its still my time to be with him. you taking him was your demand and i accepted it. i am fully capable of retaining day care in your place, and will do so if you think switching between parents is too much of an emotional burden on ashton.

i do not understand why you and dusty continue to treat me like some burden to your lives, instead of a parent to your son. whats best for him is obviously half a week with me, and half with you. there can be no denial of that, and you choosing to degrade me to a weekend parent is absolutely disrespectful to myself, but most of all ashton.

i dont want you to respond, you are filled with too much disdain and contempt to respect me, and nothing good comes of our discussions. i sincerely wish this were different. ill be over at seven to pick up ashton. please dont make things so unnecessarily bitter and troublesome.

sarah: you are missing the point entirely. ashton wont be here at 7. im sorry. you can take him tuesday and wednesday evenings to avoid the point of daycare, and going back and forth so often. i thought it might go smoother this week but i was wrong. i feel so much for that little boy and all you ever focus on is yourself, or you and me. i am not keeping him from you in any way, you will still have him two nights, per week, this is not an attack, nor will anything futuristically be. thank you for signing the paternity papers.

i called at seven, no answer. i wasnt about to go down to her apartment only to have her ignore me. or have her cause a scene.

so i went home alone. angry. patient.