11.04.08 - 6:02 pm

there in the dark, the strange young man stood. he stared at me in silence, and i stared right back, puzzled at the timing of such an unexpected visitor. it was night. rain cascaded off his hood and into the lens of his glasses. he spoke only four words, to which i responded and saw his arm shift. he handed me a heavy stack of white papers. i lifted my eyes from the text to see him scurrying off, back into the rain.

under the clutches of a paperclip words hissed from beneath their ink.

summons. court. sarah. jordan. ashton.

i shut the door and collapsed on the couch to read further. the deeper within the packet i thumbed, the louder the words shouted.

full custody. child support. life insurance policy. mediation. parenting classes. attorney fees. thirty days to respond.

the culmination of five years of parenting. now with an official state seal. this is what you will do. this is how you will do it. this is how it will be for the next thirteen years. this is how much you will pay. this is when you will do it. this is when you pick him up. this is when you will drop him off. rules. stipulations. barriers. structured parenting.

its obvious that sarah is not doing this in ashtons best interest. its obvious that sarah is doing this to hurt me. to inflict her will over that of my own and use the courts blind gullibility to validate her demands.

i am worried. i am concerned. i am displeased.

sarah will rob me of my son, and replace him with a bill.

and ill have to wait several more years before ashton will be able to see that, and understand the events of his childhood. when he will sit down with me, shake his head and say, im sorry mom put you through all of that.

its time to get organized. its time to structure myself and my priorities. find attorney. find means. get all the problems youve been putting off back into motion and on the right track. make calls. take notes. ive got things lining up. ive been reassured.

but i am not convinced.

i am not without disdain.