02.25.09 - 9:13 am

i certainly arrived filled with my apprehensions. divided apprehensions. half of me was sure that this could go well, she could be reasonable and this could be the end.

but most of me was certain she would stand firm in her position, and maintain her stubborn refusal for more of my time with ashton.

wendy was our mediator. she was the same woman who detailed the mediation process during our conciliation services orientation a few weeks prior. she wielded an unusually large coffee mug with a detailed pencil drawing of the portland city skyline on it. she looked as though she should have attractive features, but they were obscured by her large cartoonish nose, marred by a fresh surgical wound on one side. by the time we met her again for our mediation, this had healed into a faint horseshoe shaped line.

she took us to her office individually, before we officially began. sarah went first. the two of them walked off, while i finished putting my wallet, packet of gum, keys, chapstick and phone back into my pockets. i stood facing dusty as i finished looping my belt around my waist. he now had an open seat next to him, and i decided to take it. i slung my arm casually over the back of the chair and confidently asked about arthur, making sure to look right at dusty.

normally i would have shied away from any sort of eye contact and made a concentrated effort to sit somewhere in the opposite side of the lobby.

but not any more.

when it was my turn to be called back, i sat in her small office and the door closed behind me. there were some soft cushioned chairs. a round cylinder for a table. her desk and collection of pictures of children and family. she was drinking out of her portland mug again. i had imagined a large room. glossy wooden desks. stylishly illuminated wall mounted lights. large heavy curtains. i guess i forgot that this place was free, and paid for by the government. it was a social services job.

she wanted to see if i had any safety concerns, anything i needed to tell her that i would be more comfortable sharing in private. no concerns. i asked her a few questions about the process about to begin. how it would go, how it would end, and then whats. when i was satisfied, she left to get sarah. i steadied my yellow note pad, and tried to smear off the blue ink that was somehow getting all over my hand.

sarah looked tired. i dont remember her hair ever being so thin. her eyebrows were more angled and villainous than usual. maybe she was getting over being sick, but she tried to look stern and adult like.

as per joels advice, you always let the other party make the first offer.

sarah started with her initial proposal: weekend dad. she rambled on about how the switching during the week impacted ashtons school, so much so that his teacher felt the need to share her own concerns about it. she wanted my parenting time to focus on the weekends. she didnt want the distance between se portland and tualatin getting in the way of his school. she didnt want ashton to be bouncing around between school, his dads and daycare. she thought my work got in the way of spending time with ashton. she wanted to avoid daycare. her focus and concern was on ashton and school. she even brought up that it was concerning to her that i hadnt asked her where ashton was, or where she had left him before coming to mediation.

when she was done, i started with my rebuttals, crossing them off my notepad as i made them.

first, i trust her when it comes to ashton. i trusted that he wasnt sitting out in the parking lot as we had our mediation. i didnt need to ask where he was. it was obvious he would be somewhere safe and appropriate. i informed her that i have the most flexible job i could have. i can show up late. i can leave halfway through a shift. i can leave early. i can call and not show up. while i had one day a week firmly cemented as my day off, monday, my next day off was arbitrary; it could be any day i choose. i felt those qualities made dropping off ashton and picking him up from school completely possible and something a regular job would make difficult, if not impossible. she said up until now she was unaware of those details. ridiculous. ive been there over a year. closing in on two years.

ultimately our discussion went back and forth on me wanting more time, her wanting me to have ashton only when he was not in school. she brought up summer alot, trying to enchant me with the idea that it would be a free for all for me and ashton. she brought up that she didnt understand why im suddenly wanting more time with ashton, when initially i didnt want anything to do with him. it all seemed so out of the blue to her.

i reminded her that we lived 70 miles apart the first two years after ashton was born. i had a job and school full time and she had neither for the most part. it was hard to see ashton. after i finished, i had more time, but all the while she kept limiting that time. dictating it. restricting it. and i pleaded with her and i tried to work things out, but each time met with callous rejection. well, why didnt you go to an attorney earlier? the same goddamn argument her attorney made. because its costly. because its ugly. because i thought you could be reasonable and i would have rather tried for years to work with you than have to do all of this. but, when i was handed the summons that one evening, suddenly i realized i would now have the legal might behind me to get what i wanted. that now that i have the means to go after you and legally get my way, and im taking full advantage of it.

why didnt i do this earlier....ugh.

currently i watch ashton tuesday nights at 7pm when i get off work to thursday at noon when i drop him off at school. forty one hours out of the week. twenty four percent.

my first proposal to her was an improvement on this: tuesday through thursday, just as we have it now for one week. the following week tuesday at 7pm to either wednesday evening or thursday at noon. that would give me a whopping 161 hours every two weeks. forty seven percent of those 14 days. a vast improvement. not only that, but i would get ashton on the weekends, twice a month. allowing me to plan weekend trips to the mountain or wherever. and then, two weekends off for me to play and do things outside of parenting. and vice versa for sarah. not to mention, i would have several consecutive days with ashton during the school week. allowing me to participate in homework, reading the books he brings home from school and to listen about the activities hes interested in while in class.

initially sarah said no. naturally.

but with some prodding from wendy, our mediator, she tried to bring it to our attention that really, our parenting schedules were very close to working out. sarah wanted me to have ashton on weekends, i wanted weekends. sarah was happy with our current schedule, i was satisfied with the current schedule, to an extent. just a few hours apart in what we wanted. it wasnt worth going to court over, wendy exclaimed. so she drew up her plan, strikingly similar to my own plan. i worked off hers and tweaked it a bit for my own needs and again, it was presented to sarah.

she was suddenly more open to the idea. she seemed to actually agree with it. i was satisfied with it, and if she was, then there was hope.

our two hour time window had dwindled to just ten minutes left. we briefly spoke about holidays and how for the most part our transitions were effortless. christmas and his birthday being the only ones with conflict. we agreed to work on those things next time, as our mediator encouraged us to think more about concepts in specific terms. over the next few sessions we will be putting our agreements into concrete documents, that when handed to a judge and signed will be official, binding and legitimate.

i just hope she doesnt change her mind or get any bizarre ideas between now and the 10th of march. fingers crossed.