06.11.09 - 5:26 pm

i just spent $500. gone. just a simple phone call. followed then by a very uncomfortable call to my grandfather requesting another $700.

$1200. gone.

kevin, from collections, informed me that collin is asking for another $5000 retainer.

in addition to the %5000 i paid the first day of all of this. i think im only a few hundred dollars shy of ten thousand dollars, and thats without this request for the second retainer.

this is my inheritance money. money that could have paid for me to go back to school to get a stellar, well paying career. money that could have made a down payment on my first house. money i could have used to chip away at my outstanding student loans. money i could have used to travel with ashton. saved for emergencies. on and on.

money that could have been far better spent than just getting sarah to comply with simple decency and respect. its hard for me to look at all this money im stealing from my grandfather with anything but contempt, shame and embarrassment. i dont feel good about it. i dont feel like its being used to get what i want or to maintain my parental rights.

i feel like im giving it to sarah to throw into a bonfire on my behalf. i feel like shes dragging this on as long as she feels like it just because she knows how expensive this is for me and my family. its hard to not think theres something terribly intentional about how difficult shes being.

i expect her sometime when this is all over to just skip over towards me with a big smirk on her face and say, "i never really cared if you got ashton for more of the year, i just wanted to see how long i could drag this on. pretty fun, huh?"

i think tomorrow ill call her attorney. ask what her going rate is. and see if sarah is getting a budget attorney or is secretly pouring money into the same waste of resources as i am.

"youll get your rights though. youll get a schedule with more of ashton than you ever had before. youll get him on holidays."

what ill get is a worthless piece of $20,000 paper. a hollow document that says unless ashton is in immediate physical danger, it will take up to 45 days to have a judge scorn sarah for not complying. she will still be able to do anything she wants in regards to making me drive, not giving him to me on specific holidays, changing plans or keeping him from me. and it will cost me money just to have a judge wave his finger at her some 45 days later. how utterly pointless this all feels.

i am so unhappy about all of this. i feel like my grandfather will die feeling used by me. i feel so awful asking him for money. i asked my father for $200 a week ago, but i could tell by the tone in his voice he wasnt going to help.

i hope this mediation thing works. im really quite ready to be done with this. no wonder despair turns people to doing such terrible things.