10.13.09 - 9:43 pm

i looked at collins shoes. are those $1500 shoes? are those what expensive shoes look like? do lawyers prefer a certain brand of shoe? his tie, did he buy it somewhere ive shopped? was it made of a silk with several zeros on the price tag? i thought about his car. audi? lexus? honda? why did his shoes make so much noise when he walked? why did everyone wearing a suit walk with such audible steps? what was it about wearing a suit and the flooring of the courthouse?

sarah. she sat so far away. alone. i felt compelled to hush julie when she spoke barely above a whisper. collin seemed to arbitrarily lower and raise his voice when detailing elements of our proposals. sometimes he would whisper near silence. other times he spoke just loud enough to seem stonewall confident. i liked that, even though it made me feel uncomfortable. i felt as though we were verbally smearing sarahs reputation, like a cluster of girls in a highschool bathroom, only forced to do it within listening distance of her. even in spite of the years of conflict, i still felt embarrassed having her know the damaging things i was concocting against her. i felt bad for her, sitting alone at the other end of the hallway. directly across from the womens bathroom. maybe she cried. maybe she passed the time playing on her phone. i didnt even want to make eye contact with her. i dont know why. i dont know why i was so uncomfortable hurting her. i wanted bad things to happen to her, but only through the protective shield of my attorney. because then it would be collin damaging her, not me.

when it was snowfall quiet in that long hallway, i wanted remorse. i wanted an apology. when julie left to move the car. our attorneys left to mutter in some distant room, i expected a text. or maybe her to come sit next to me and say she was happy this was all being resolved. that she was sorry she put me through all this and she wished she had just listened to me in the beginning. nothing. just that empty silence as she sat facing the same wall i was, several benches and doorways and courtrooms further.

when she sat next to her attorney and i stood next to mine looking down, she said hello. or some version of it. asked me how i was. i said hi. good. everyone always says good. i wondered what it took for her to look at me, smile and say that knowing what she was losing.

"honey, you have no idea what im capable of....i have very reliable sources to back me up on that."

well over a year ago. that was her. just a monster. this creature that spent an enormous amount of energy desperate to trivialize me to our mutually created child.

"how do you write 'you are the best dad ever', dad?"

tonight. after helping ashton dry his hair and put his pajamas on, followed by decorating his room with illuminated eye balls and purple bat string lights. her damage only became less permanent. its obvious now more than ever how important i am to ashton. how little importance he puts on my distance to his school. what i let him do. what i dont let him get away with. he respects so much more about me, things ill unashamedly relish in as he ages.

im tired. exhausted. but not really. my house is filthy. stuff and clothing everywhere. where did it all come from? why cant i just put it away? how much of my lack of motivation can i blame on this experience and how much of it is just the innate laziness i have growing in me?

its done. signed. on record. detailed in a document with hidden clues only attorneys would decipher. so carefully worded. the language so specific. what a bizarre process they go through for all of this to manifest into something reasonable .

it ended today. the thing i dreaded for over six years. something i knew would come the moment that gut feeling told me i should call sarah late in the night to demand she get a pregnancy test the following morning. november 20th, 2002.

it ended today. and a bottle of wine with which to sorrow it.