01.19.10 - 12:18 pm

twenty one days.

the syringe that laid innocently on the paper lined tray had a short, hair thin needle. it was full of a clear liquid.

"is all of that going into my toe?"

the answer was probably. next to it was another syringe. this one was not innocent. it was menacing. the needle was long and grinned with the thickness of a pencil. we both knew where this one was going.

i stared at the ceiling. felt the cold sting of the pressurized air being sprayed on the side of my toe. and then the pain. in theory the cold was supposed to distract my nerves, allowing silent entry of the surgical instrument into the tissue surrounding my toe nail. it wasnt cold enough. the sensation was deep and uncomfortable. i could feel every millimeter of steel slowly sliding out from my flesh. i could feel my blood pressure drop. three more insertions to go. i told the nurses to go heavy on the cold this time, and she did not disappoint. in the needle went however, only slightly less searing than before. they spoke about my toe blanching, as if it were some sort of steamed vegetable. the fluid she pumped from the syringe filled my toe with what felt like undercooked mashed potatoes. soon those waves of pain subsided into numbness. still two more injections to go. they were as noticeable as the easily forgotten conversation i continued with the nurses during the process.

i didnt want to look at my foot for fear of throwing up. i asked for water. i pretended i was fine. i was really swaying on the edges of consciousness. as soon as they left me alone in the room, i coughed a few times to bring more oxygen into my brain. i breathed deeply. by the time they returned with the doctor, i had recovered.

she was young. attractive. my nurses were of similar disposition. but i was at a dermatology office. acne. fungus. rashes. skin. really horrible conditions happen to your skin. and yet, here were these women touching feet and sores and scales as if they were picking flowers from a grocery store. in my case, they were sticking needles into my toe. i imagined my doctor to be some old, thick browed, well weathered woman. the kind that lets her ashen cigarette dangle from her lip as she nonchalantly describes to you why your genitals are disintegrating. fortunately, she embodied none of those traits. she repeated the explanation of why she was there.

that needle was going to be inserted 3/4 of the way under my toe nail, depositing a small piece of medication 1/8th the size of a grain of rice.

the nurses had insisted their part in all of this was the most painful and least enjoyable. even though the needle was bigger, i wasnt going to even notice it.

and they were right.

she was in and out almost by the time she finished, "ok, here we go." i guess i expected to feel impaled, in enough agony to necessitate a wooden object placed in between my gritted teeth being held down by four different people after which i promptly pass out. implanting a sliver of medication under my toe nail is just not that dramatic im afraid.

that was 1130. the soreness started that evening. i experienced the dull pain that immediately follows kicking your naked toe into the leg of a table or the corner of a wall. only continuously. i could see the sliver, white and narrow, at the peak of a channel of damaged tissue under the nail of my left big toe.

and there it will stay for twenty one more days.

until they hole punch it out.