11.15.13 - 8:57 am

yes, she�s still around. rarely. here are some of the highlights from our lengthy discussion wednesday evening. first time I�ve heard from her since her 5 minute conversation with ashton on halloween.

sarah: What's ash doing this weekend i really need to spend some time with him. Very important.l
me: Where have you been for the last two months?
sarah: Just not being a good mom

sarah: Im not doing heroin. I can't afford it.

me: When was the last time you did heroin?
sarah: I quit it a few months ago i was starting to do it more again to the point of needing it every day almost but not nearly as bad as before so o decided i didn't want go through that crab again after i went to jail and hveby done it since

me: Get a job. Get clean. Get a car. Get an apartment.
sarah: Okay good idea
me: You've had like 5 years to get your shit together
sarah: Yeah i know
me: I know you know
me: DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT
sarah: Ok
me: or go away.
me: Those are your two options.
sarah: Well i still wanna see ashton
sarah: This weekend
me: It seems likeeveryone just WANTS me to.go.away

sarah: Nobody wants to be talked to like that regardless of what they've done
me: No one probably has talked to you like that.
sarah: No everyone does why do u think your so specual
me: Because I feel like you get a lot of fake support from fake friends and your family
sarah: Like your the only one whoknows in sucking at life and fucking it up? Trust me we all know
me: So? You think I need to give you a free pass just because you fuck up continuously?
me: I want you to succeed but need much more effort out of you.
sarah: I don't have real friends rightnow. There opinion means nothing to me. I have a boyfriend. Has in prison the next 16 months and i can say he really cares maybe not on the outs but now he does cause has the only other person i talk to regularly who says i need to get my shit together
sarah: No shit Jordan maybe in making shitty choices but in not stupid i still know what in doing.
sarah: I just gotta.change it and if i have to start over every year then duck it but whatever its my destiny to be a hot piece of shit
sarah: I don't know. I know I at least started with going to jail i was lucky enough to have all the charges dropped and now im doing it all over but at least i am and not dead but in case i do die i wanna see Ashton as much as possible before it happens

this conversation was additional confirmation that sarah has accepted that she has failed, and while she acknowledges that she wants to improve, her will power to do so is at zero. she�s dating a guy in prison. she can�t afford drugs anymore. she makes shitty choices, but isn�t stupid, she knows what she�s doing. this lifestyle of constant struggle is her destiny. sigh. how does someone get this far into despair? with all of the support she has had over the years, why has she continued to disregard any positive influence? what does she need to realize before she can turn her life around? what is her rock bottom?

i wonder what happens when she�s notified that her son is moving an additional 3000 miles away. will she make it difficult? will she resist? will she submit?

so many questions. but such a lack of interest in getting them answered.