01.17.14 - 9:17 am

i feel like im spinning my wheels. im anxious to get out there. put my ideas to use. see what happens. shake some hands. make some deals. solve some problems. tuck in my shirt. put on a tie. make some phone calls.

but then i feel bottle necked with my current problems: find a place to live and figure out how to get there.

the first one julie can solve. the second one i can.

once those two issues are worked out, its pretty much smooth sailing. we get in. get ashton in a school. unpack a few boxes. put all the remaining marine life i have in a rubbermaid trough. make some friends. get familiar with the area.

christ, im terrified. im moving to florida. im taking my family.....to florida. for more than a week long vacation. i dont think ashton has let that sink in yet.

anxiety can strangle me if i let it. i worry about running out of time. not having enough money. julie absolutely hating it once we get there. killing all my fish. disappointing my new boss. having an open cubicle where all the other employees can hear me talk on the phone, all the while quietly muttering amongst themselves "...this is the hotshot we hired from all the way from oregon?!"

and then there is the alternate universe fears: what if ashton was destined to grow up to be smart and successful if i remained in oregon? but in florida he starts smoking at 14 and drops out of highschool? what if i get struck by lightning in florida, but would have lived to 98 if i stayed in oregon? a lifetime of what ifs and anxiety. actual panic attack inducing fears if i sit and give myself the opportunity to imagine them.

im going to look back on this decision and be grateful i did so. i know it. even if terrible things happen. the fear is the change. the anxiety is in the challenges. what one man can do, another can do.

time to take the garbage out.