02.26.02 - 1:41 pm

Mama, take this badge off of me. I can't use it anymore. It's gettin' dark, too dark for me to see. I feel like I'm knockin' on heaven's door.

Knock, knock, knockin' on heaven's door

Mama, put my guns in the ground. I can't shoot them anymore. That long black cloud is comin' down. I feel like I'm knockin' on heaven's door.

Knock, knock, knockin' on heaven's door......

ive been listening to that song alot lately, and even more so today. someone i knew, not very well, but went to highschool with and had some of the same friends as i had, killed himself last night.

it feels random. out of place. of course its unexpected. but is it? apparently hes wanted to for quite some time. why though. he was popular. had some very close guy friends. he was athletic. he went to parties.

his girlfriend broke up with him. he wrote her a note. and then he did it. its easy to say i have no respect for people who end their lives. but im slightly more hesitant when it actually happens to someone i know. i dont understand. i dont understand how 19 years of your life is all that was worth living. how a ratio of 19:80 years is enough to determine that life isnt worth it anymore. how the remaining 61 years or more that he had to live were worthless because he felt bad right now. how right now was more important than how much life he had to live and how many more things he had yet to discover not only about himself, but the rest of the world.

its selfish. a boulder has just obliterated the foundation of his family. his family now has to pick up the pieces he couldnt gather himself. this tears me apart.

today, outside, its beautiful. its sunny. clear blue skies. comforting warmth from the sun, a slight brisk breeze. these are the moments when you can sit down, look around and just realize that most things dont matter in life. being sad is part of being a person. its acceptable. its encouraged. but there are a million other emotions that need to be experienced as well. and staying with one gets boring after a time. look around, realize that you affect things. you have an impact. directly and indirectly. and there are some things that take all pain away. they are simple things. drugs. alcohol. girls. these are not the things that do that. simplicity. sunshine. windchimes. the ocean. music. dogs. granted happiness cant be generalized, but there are somethings that seem to be universal.

suicide is like a cancer. its localized at first. goes unnoticed. but when a person finally completes the act, the cancer spreads. the family is hit first and hardest. the friends are infected next. the pain from one person has suddenly now infected many. and that pain will never go away for them. and that cycle has now just been started in my hometown.

worrying about getting a good grade on my human sexuality test in an hour from now really is trivial in comparison to what my friends are experiencing. i just dont know. its a random day.