04.22.03 - 5:34 pm

there are some days when im content. very satisfied and even...overly satisfied. she can make me feel wonderful. important. needed. i feel confident. i can smile knowing that other couples may have it good, but i have it better. there are times when sarah surpasses any notions of what a girlfriend is supposed to be. and its during those times, the times when im filled with joy at having found her and having her be who she is that i dont write about her. if i were to jot down thoughts to describe how she makes me feel id be able to just write down one word: wonderful.

there would be alot of empty pages with just that word written on it.

but instead i write when she makes me upset. when she hurts. when she causes feelings of hopelessness and confusion. she hits me with a fist of emotional disorientation. and she does it very accurately.

during these times, the ones when i feel the worst, the most scared, the most critical of her every word, that i fear being hurt. and not just hurt, but crushed.

the only reason we are together right now is because she is pregnant. the only reason she is tolerating my company is because shes having my child.

if she wasnt pregnant, she would be happier. if she wasnt with me shed be happier. she would have the warm blanket of narcotics to smother anything uncomfortable for her. she would be happier. she would have friends again. her list of sexual partners would be getting longer. and it wouldnt bother her. she would be used. mistreated. disrespected. but she would have drugs to make up for that.

thats what she wants. thats who she would be if she never got pregnant.

after she has the baby will she stay with me? more importantly, will she want to?

shes needy now. posessive. controlling. shes doesnt like it when i go out with my friends if shes going to be around. she doesnt like it if i make other plans on days i have off when i could be seeing her. she doesnt like it if i drink.

but after the baby is born, she says she wont care.

i want her to be needy. i want her to be posessive. it almost convinces me that she actually wants me to be with her. i dont like apathy. i dont like indifference.

i need to be wanted.

im scared of losing her. and i dont know if she cares.