06.15.03 - 2:46 am

look at the time. two forty six am. in the morning. today my sisters are nineteen years old. i remember when i was nineteen. i remember having the number describe who i was at least. i remember turning nineteen. me and alyssa. in arizona. nothing better to do than to go out to a movie. things could have been so much more fun back then. but i was insecure. shy. nervous about impressions and hoping alyssa would take me somewhere exciting. to show me adventure. adventure outside of alcohol and marijuana.

i used to talk to sarah back then. briefly. occasionally. i didnt focus on her until later. julia and i were closer than i think wed ever been. she would call me and i would lay in bed late and night and listen to her cry. i would struggle with being so far away and so incapable of helping.

she would listen to me cry too.

i wish i could cry to sarah. show her that im weak. that i feel cornered and surrounded by swarms of choices that are impossible to single out. crying would show her that i care. that i have feelings. that i hurt as much as she does.

she doesnt miss me half as much as i miss who i was for her when she wasnt pregnant. theyre harder now to show. to express. to enjoy. i have to fight for them to surface. and thats not fair.

she wants me to live with her. she yearns for it. she cries over it. she loses sleep over it. she hurts so badly because of it. and im the wrench in the gears. my apprehensions. my feelings. these are what mold my stance. i dont think i can do it. i dont think we can do it.

so many wrongs.