07.02.03 - 8:30 pm

when she gets a contraction, its like a thin sheet of ceran wrap has just cloaked over a small motorized baby toy. her stomach tightens. the baby struggles underneath. no discernable limbs can be identified but large movements now are hard to miss. the baby squirms. the baby stretches. the baby gets hiccups.

its something so weird and awkward and foreign and scary and wonderful and exciting and terrifying all at the same time. she has a preschooler trapped inside her stomach. i cant even begin to imagine the intense excitment sarah must feel every single time that child moves beneath her stomach, densely packed and wrapped inside her bowels. to feel such life, such a struggle inside her womb can only feel incredible. im jealous. im depressed in that i cant and wont ever get to experience a length of time like that of a woman. as fortunate as it may be to be male, its reflects a misfortune as well. i am deprieved of being a bearer of life.

today sarah and i walked through a park. i told some kids from newberg to not do drugs. i played with my dog. i wiped tears from sarahs face. i laughed. we went through name books at borders. we looked at fish tanks. i put $5 downpayment on a $350 calcium reactor im getting for $100. i looked at baby pictures with sarah. i looked chinese. i had a carpet of dense black hair. our baby is coming any day now. we need to take more pictures. i need to have a perpetual supply of gasoline handy. i need film.

im excited. frustrated. all of the above and exausted with anticipation.

people still get really excited when sarah and i tell them we dont know the sex of our child.

mormons are finally coming home. they missed out on so much.

or did i?