10.13.03 - 7:18 pm

i cant tell if im lonely or oblivious. look at what i have. look at what i do. do i want more? do i need more? im a bookmark inserted halfway been a choose your own adventure book. the ending could be good or bad based on choices i make now. what do i chose? who do i forgive? who do i blame?

blame. i could blame her for all of this. i could point my finger at her and feel that in doing so all the weight of my burdens would be relinquished. i couldnt be satisfied with that though. because everything would still be there, even if she wore my concerns as a name tag on her chest. i would still have a child. i would still have an impending $1000 citation. i would still have no one important to me like sarah as a person in my life.

thats whats important. to have people like the person you love. friends and family to want to include that person you think is special in activities outside your own intimate relationship. i dont have that.

a dictionary would describe my concerns as "The systematic propagation of a doctrine or cause or of information reflecting the views and interests of those advocating such a doctrine."

propaganda. are the views reflected on sarah the result of my incessant exaggerations, one sided and opinionated conversations involving her?

ive asked.

they say no.

but i still feel guilty. i still feel like ive wronged her.

but ill start a list in my head, and when the list gets rolling, i realize no, im not wrong. ive tried my best. ive come back. always. and she continues to abuse and pervert whats happened as...normal. as a consequence of having a normal relationship, and that i have a skewed interpretation of how a relationship should be, which is fun, enjoyable and problem free. i dont deny fights. i dont deny arguments. but in a normal relationship, the corvallis police should never be involved. drugs and alchol shouldnt be a constant day to day struggle. trust and acceptance function smoothly.

im on page 14, the character youre reading through has two options:

blow the bridge and run, leaving behind your financial freedom and a wounded soldier (turn to page 18)

or

turn against your allies and join the communist regime in exchange for a juxtposition of emotional pain and happiness (turn to page 22)

either way, that makes no sense and im destined for failure regardless.