10.16.03 - 12:22 am

its too hard to let go. to stay apart. to hold back. to not say i love you. theres nothing wrong with feeling embarrassed that the one you love so much is still around against popular opinion. everyone matters. what they see matters. how they feel matters.

how i feel matters.

but i cant stay away from her. i cant be mad for long. i can forget. i believe that happy with her is a goal that can only be reached if i accept that ill be hurt, embarrassed and regretful in a consistant pattern of happiness and misery. but would i? she says i wouldnt be if i just let her live with me. if i just accepted that i have a child. if i didnt care that she smoked. if i did these things i wouldnt be in such turmoil. shes right though, in a way. if she lived with me, i couldnt escape. i would be with her always, and we wouldnt fight about my neglect of driving to see ashton whenever. about me never coming to see him.

if i accepted and was happy that i had a child, then i wouldnt be in such a state of shame or teeming with regret. i would be happy i had a son. a son to love and to look forward to. its abnormal to feel such stubbornness and apathy about my own child. i feel abnormal and i hate it. it shames me.

if i let her smoke, and did what she wanted to herself and allow her to make her own choices then...she would smoke, and it would be ok.

put down the wrecking ball. dont let a childhood linger.

i want to move to tennessee. i want to feel like everything i do is new and exciting. i want to break rules. run around in the dark and find things to explore. i dont want to be cold. i dont want due dates. midterms. closing shifts. i dont want to babysit. i dont want to spend time with a life i cant figure out.

she doesnt understand why i hate this so much. that i have it so easy. that its not as bad as i think.

it is though.

i cant do anything like that....and have a child. and have her. i wont ever be able to. not without that thing always buzzing there reminding me what im neglecting in order to move forward with my life.

im selfish. fuck it. this is what i want. me me me emdbjkasdhasdfhjkghdfjkdfh.

the more i go on about this, the more of a douche bag i become.