10.20.03 - 9:38 pm

i dont want to feel this way. i dont have to feel this way. i dont want 3 years of her life trailing behind every word she says. i dont want to feel like i have to do the things i do. i want to feel like i love her, if i really do.

my father says i dont.

i want to feel happy when she calls. i dont want to feel ashamed. i want to appreciate her in my life. i dont want to feel so indecisive. i want one way or the other. i dont want to go back, but i cant get her to let me go. and i cant get myself to let go of how much i want this to work out.

shes 3,137.58 miles away from me and inches from a guy she had a three-some with.

and it turns my stomach.