11.03.03 - 9:21 pm

concerned for her safety?

what the fuck did you have to be concerned about. what did you think you knew about that night that you made the assumption that she was in any danger. that i was dangerous.

what gives you the right to say i need help, but that youre not making any judgements.

the entire event was visually witnessed by only sarah and myself. audibly it was witnessed by countless people, who were left helpless at what to do. in the eyes of the law, she was responsible for a major crime, i was responsible for a minor one. she persisted in a linear degredation of lawfulness. a felony was threatened to her...the second time the police were dispatched to my residence. regardless of who ultimately ended up with the larger fine is irrelevant. the point is that night has an incredibly similar precedence.

i dont remember it all, but i remember my wanting to exit my room, and it being hindered by someone who "just wanted to talk". fuck that. if i want to leave my room, i should be allowed to. and when no amount of persistant requesting goes aknowlegded, then of course anger is going to increase, and of course its going to get so ridiculous as to the only way to get out of your room is to utilize physical force to manually remove the person who is holding on to you, blocking the door, and inhibiting your exit. and for what, for what reason wont this person just calmly say, ok, ill let you out. get cooled off, calm down, and come back and we can talk about this later. what reason is there to grab on to someones clothing, to wedge your foot in the door, to hold on to legs, arms, necks in an aggressive attempt to restrain someone from not "talking" to you. what the fuck is that. and what the fuck do you know about getting help because of it.

i have wrongs. i have problems. but at least when someone wants to leave, and theyre keeping their hands at their sides because they know that the moment they raise them theyre liable for domestic abuse and assault, then...i can let them go. because its not fucking worth it.

Andi: you are so busy fighting what you dont want to happen you are fucking everything else up along the way, and if you want to know the truth jordan i really dont give a flying fuck except that you have a child now, and that worries me because i have heard you talk about how you wish still that you didnt and you need to see a counsler. so get all pissy like you have and always will I dont care I pray that Ashton's life isnt a series of seeing mommy and daddy get drunk and duke it out and comforting her as she c

Andi: rys because you werent there when she needed you most

Andi: I pray that sarah sees that she doesnt need you in her life and that she can make it on her own and I pray for you that you figure out what it is you really want instead of fighting all that you have

Andi: there is my judgement

yes i have a child. no i didnt want it. yes i have one anyways. yes i have terrible feelings of regret and apprehensions of having a child. but im allowed to. its my life too. i am allowed to not want something so much. just as its legal to force someone else to have a child, its equally as legal to let that person be not emotionally prepared for such. i have a child. i didnt want it. i still would prefer to not have one. theres nothing wrong with that.

go ahead, be angry that im selfish. that im the stereotypical asshole father who donates his sperm and leaves. i am. i am that asshole. i am that asshole that made the choice to have sex with someone, and didnt have the choice as to whether to have a child or not. guys have two options in contraceptions: not have sex and condoms. females have not have sex, iud, the pill, depoprevera, diaphrams, and also other measures for prevention of childbirth: the morning after pill, abortion, and lastly, adoption.

when a guy can follow through with his end, and a girl neglects hers...its the guys fault. automatically. he shouldnt have had sex with her then.

and youre absolutely right. i shouldnt have. i shouldnt have been so eager to get back with someone who broke up with me to use narcotics that slowly kill you.

and now, i should suck it up and be a man. its so much easier to say when you dont have a child. when youre life isnt suddenly structured around another persons infinite lifespan. when your future will include two families, step siblings and child support payments. when you have children who feel neglected because theyre not included in their fathers other family vacations, holidays and road trips.

i am trying to suck it up. im trying to suck up as much life as i can before im forced into another. ill admit im an asshole and a pussy if you want to hear me say it. if you want me to acknowledge that theres a good chance i am. but ill also admit that right now, the choices made are for me. not what you think. not what you want me to feel and not for what you think i should feel or how you think i should act. this is my life too. its not sarahs. just because she decided where its going to end, ill decide where its going to go.