11.09.03 - 10:51 pm

it feels like a contest. a cyptic back and forth banter aimed at each other but not for each other.

attacks of who is more wrong.

my response is this: how i am now is not how i will always be. eventually, im sure ill be married. ill marry someone who doesnt hover close to their jealousy, their insecurities and addictions. we both will make the mature decision conceive a child, and chose the most appropriate time for such. when we make this decision, ill be ready. ill be emotionally prepared for a child. ill want a child. ill be ready. ill be ready to give my life for my children. it will be exciting. new. wonderful. beautiful.

in contrast, when someone disregards everything and everyone else to have a child and force someone else to as well, and then expects them to just want it...because...they should, things are a little different. feelings are different. maturity is different. emotional capacity is different.

theres no fucking way you can expect me just suddenly be ok with what you did and what you expected to happen. youre disappointed because you thought that you made the right choice for me, and that i wanted this. and that we would stay together. that i would stay with you. you thought that having a child at 18 and 20 was good for us. for you. for me. it got you off methamphetamines, cocaine, alchohol, marijuana, pills, and cigarrettes. it made it so that i would never be able to leave your life.

well you got what you wanted. im still waiting for my side of the deal. because so far, ive got nothing out of this except an increasing amount disdain, regret and remorse.

im glad you find it so simple to say you wish any other male was ashtons father. just you wait and see how all your friends and their children turn out. i promise you, it wont stay as beautiful and easy as you see your friends making it. theyre kidding themselves. and youre kidding yourself.

i miss ashton. im fascinated by him and his development. i would get jealous if sean stepped in to replace me in your heart and as a father. i make you feel guilty for having a child and i shouldnt. i shouldnt continue to attack you in this way. to wear you down. thats not right. its not appropriate. its my response to my constant grief. its my retaliation. its immature. its what i am at this age. and no amount of pushing from you will change where im at in my cognitive/emotional development. i dont know how you can blame me for not wanting a child at my age. when youre not ready, youre not ready. its so fucking simple. i dont know why its so hard a concept for you to grasp. why you are so shocked that im so resistant to the idea of having a child. im not ready for a child, and i wont be until i am. just because i have one now doesnt automatically change how i feel. its only strengthened my disposition. my feelings about all of this.

but im not so resiliant that i bitch about it constantly. its brought up when relevant. to your accusations. to your questions. to my neglected feelings. when you need to know what i think, i tell you. i dont make a point to always make you remember.

stop making me out to be someone whos cold hearted, and fixated on grieving for the loss of my hopes and aspirations. stop making me out to be someone impossible to change, who feels apathy for his own son instead of interest. youre wrong sarah.

you act so surprised still, and i cant figure out why. i cant figure out why you were so convinced i would be ok with this.

of course i dont believe the things you say. you were a liar. you still are to an extent. you lie about how much you smoke. you tell me constantly how youve quit or going to. and then you still do. your word means nothing when you dont stick to it. you quit drugs. good. but you also did them every goddamn weekend, and only told me you did them once every month or so. you told me that you wanted to break up with me so you could fuck around with another guy. and then you told me that you only told me that to get me off your back. you call the police on me. youve hit me. youve kicked me. youve gotten so careless as to attack me with ashton in your arms and when he got hurt because of your recklessness, you hit me for it. me.

you dont have any creditablity. you dont offer any. you just take yours away.

why are you so confused? why are you so oblivious?

i dont like that i have a child. but that doesnt mean that i dont do what i can for him. just because i dont drive up there to see you every time you want me to does not mean that ashton is suffering my my abscence. hes fine. he will be fine. he will be happy. and him and i will grow up just fine.

this is my retaliation. my protest to how you present me. why do i even care when i know how i feel and fuck anyone else who doesnt know or care about me? i dont really know. but i know i care that people dont think im as big a piece of shit as you like to make me out to be. i graduated highschool. im going to college. i have a job. i have friends. i have good friends. i have people who trust me. i have a good relationship with my parents. i support myself. i have things to look forward to in my life. im trying to make something of myself so that ill have everything i need and some of the things i want. im progressing through the responsibilities necessary to provide me with financial security which will leave me with some form of satisfaction. and in doing so, provide a life for myself, and something better for ashton, more so than what youre doing right now.