08.25.04 - 9:43 am

i know it seems like i dont care. but something in me does, i swear. i want to sit and type and think and write and try to get somethings scribbled out. but ashtons crying because he cant dismantle the table foosball table. i cant write without sounding like im whining. i toss over the words of other journals in my head and while i completely understand that people ive come in contact with are more expressive when theyre sad or upset, i would like to be able to just empty myself and have something positive and happy left behind. i want there to be entry after entry of things i can smile about instead of reflect apon as mournful. right now, i can think of one thing that makes me happy to write about in the midst of mild misery: ashton and gizmo. gizmo just wanders around trying to find escape anywhere he can, and ashton starts talking up a storm. giggling. smiling. pointing. his most favorite thing in the world seems to be a little black turtle. when i put gizmo away, ashton cries. he whines. he tries to get gizmo back out of the makeshift cage ive made him. ashton follows gizmo around and laughs. and bends down to examine him very closely. he whispers things to him. he makes faces at him. he carrys things around to show gizmo. he is completely awestruck at the little "bah" (ashton speak for "ball") that has legs and moves by itself. ashton just looked at me, grinned as big as he could, and then danced for gizmo. he then collapsed on his stomach infront of this little turtle and moved a beer bottle from his path. when ashton is 11 years old, i want to present my turtle to ashton. .....passing the torch if you will.