08.31.04 - 1:05 am

late night instant messaging. connecting to people. lost people. memories of people.

people.

social. just so damn social.

so damn lucky. you said, ill see you later.

my heads in the clouds. so much to look forward to inspite of my failures. no alaska. but maybe something better.

im also angry. frustrated. almost....claustrophobic in my own life. i feel so trapped by time. cant go forwards. cant go back. im so eager to go back. so anxious. i need to go back. i need to go back and stay back. it pains me to know that where i am now, with honda civics and guys who care about getting laid on the weekends, and four lane freeways, and shopping centers, and huge mansions with tv shows based on the people that live in them. wouldnt you rather ride a horse for miles through the middle of north america seeing just grass and clouds? wouldnt you rather fly above the coastline of oregon and only see trees and sand and not miles of hotels and condos? what about hawaii? how much more beautiful would it be if there had never been a human being on it?

you know as well as i do, we're stuck here. our stupid little lives. lives of convenience. making things more convenient. convenience is a synonym for laziness. how can i make it so that i dont do more?

lets talk about fat people. lets. lets discuss how ive never seen more obesity in my entire life than in corvallis. how when i see them enter my store, i roll my eyes and whisper the words, "gross". im skinny. i dont work out. i dont have to watch my weight. i dont have to watch what i eat. i have no idea how hard it is to stay skinny. i dont know what its like to have to watch what i eat. but i do know that there is no reason to be grotesquely obese. being larger than average is acceptable. fine sure. do it. but when you let yourself go to the extreme that you cant even get into a vehicle properly, when you have to use a motorized cart to get you around, when youre out of breath standing up, when you feel the need to eat constantly while doing nothing always, when the shame turns into carelessness, when you gain so much weight that your body is unable to function, when you look at yourself in the shower why is it so hard for you to do something about yourself. genes didnt make you this way. lifestyle did. genes will only get you so far, but you make the choices to continue. its disgusting to me. its disgusting to think that all over the world people are so hungry that they eat bark to stay alive. that nutrition is less important as just getting something inside a stomach. and then theres white people. obese. and worse, satisfied with our obesity. its acceptable to be grossly fat. we encourage it. how?

convenience. drive thrus. escalators. cars. diets.

shame and guilt are probably emotions that are behind every blinking eye of an obese person. but those feelings can be assuaged by desire. desire to become healthy. to feel comfortable knowing youre not dying because of your incredible weight. to know that you can run with your kids as fast as they can. to know that you can fit in and out of cars without assistance.

i dont want them to feel bad about themselves. but i do wish they would help themselves.

and dont even try to call me mr perfect. and that i think im right. dont even try to point a finger back at me for my flaws. thats not what im doing. thats not what im trying to get across.

i want people to realize, 200 years ago, people were fit. they had to work to survive. they didnt get delivered food. they didnt have tv to sit infront of all day. they were strong. they were healthy, considering. why cant we go back then? working hard. it would cut down on our world population.

more people would die.

we wouldnt take up as much space.

we wouldnt kill as much so uselessly.

ha. so pessimistic. alot of anger. julia said it right, im not a pessimist. im a realist.

we are killing the reefs to the point where they will never be repaired. we are polluting the air to the extent its warming our world wide climate. and the only thing working to clean our air, our trees, are being cut down. big surprise.

what started so happily just go so soured.

but, im still satisfied with my unsatisfaction.