09.12.04 - 1:58 am

and so begins my countless evenings of darkness and music. i have an old dusty song list i havent needed for months, if not almost a year or so now. i pull it from a stack of old yellowed papers and give it one good blow to expell the grayness from its cover, and use a hand to sloppily wipe away the rest.

i remember brain asking me how long this process was going to last. he was getting sick of all the sappy sad songs.

i will sit and soak in my imagination. i will think of men. i will think of male intent. i will think of sexual innuendos. i will think of flirting. i will think of suggestive words and phrases. i will think of phone numbers. i will think of beds and bedrooms. cars and backseats. i will think of hands and where to place them. i will think of confidence and the climax of victory.

im thinking of these things, and i am thinking of them aimed at sarah. i am thinking of these things from the perspective of another male. and i am thinking of sarah enjoying every second of it.

i have to stop reading. i have to stop letting my eyes trace over words. translating them into emotional anguish. clenched teeth. shallowed breathing.

its late. the same song has been playing with its two most powerful versions on repeat. its helping. its helping to imagine the screams and the little trails of spittle threading off the lips. imagine the screams with eyes tightly closed. explosions behind you. whole fronts of buildings just crumbling and erupting outward all around you. the pain incredible enough to turn to rage so thick you could run your fingers through it.

its nothing like that. yet. its coming though. off in the distance, i can see its taking shape. it will pretend at first. it will force itself. it will feel shame and guilt. but only after remembering. and then the guilt will slide off as easily as the clothing. and it will be replaced with excitement.

my excitement will grow and fade with the babysitting, the will you pick him up. the can i have some money. the i need you to watch him tonight. the i need a babysitter this whole weekend. the yes i did. the yes we are.

its going to get alot worse before it will get any better. and the weight will be crushing on my side......and more of an annoyance on hers.

just whisper the words....just sing this....just close your eyes and let it consume you. it will help.

ive done this before.