09.12.04 - 8:22 pm

willing submission. eager submission. submission either way.

she knows it. i guess there really is no point in denying my own fragility.

while i could easily fulfill my sexual and emotional desires and then shrug off the inevitable remorse, the dread i feel for whats to come for my own emotional structures is as unavoidable as it is irreversable. it will happen. i will have to endure it. and there will be nothing i can do once its begun.

why is what came before so much more tolerable? hitting. spitting. kicking. hair pulling and windows. the yelling the screaming. the tears and despair. the phone calls. the showing up at my work. the smoking. the taunting of my friends. this is all tolerable and temporary.

but anticipation of her submission and then the ensuing acceptance of such.....this unfortunately, is much more devastating.

but why? the former is so much more of immediate affliction. the latter is more of a nuisance than anything else.

but its where i will fall.