09.15.04 - 4:29 pm

so im going to try figure this out.

shes angry. very angry. shes angry enough to sum up our entire two year relationship as that of bullshit. she tells me that she already likes another guy, and thats not normal if you cared about someone else. which translates into her not caring about me. she says i disrespect her by including my family and friends in the events that happen during our relationship. she says she doesnt regret the things shes done, shes happy she did them. these are things that include crawling through windows with ashton, hitting me while im carrying ashton. coming into my work in hysterics. calling my house repeatedly. writing threatening emails to my friends, and then calling them to bitch them out when she didnt like the response she received.

these are all things she said that should have been kept between her and i, and that telling people what shes done was disrespectful. she wants me to stick up for her, and her actions, regardless of how severe or bizarre, because thats what boyfriends are supposed to do. that if people have perceptions of sarah, and how she behaves, regardless if what they think is true, then i should stick up for her and defend her from them.

shes angry.

listening to the language she uses and how she tries to create points that inevitably fail, i hear only that shes hurt. that shes upset. that instead of grieving with sadness, she is choosing to be angry in order to deal with the outcome of our relationship. this is what i hear. this is what she tells me when shes saying im "fucking asshole piece of shit" who she "doesnt even fucking care about" and wants me to "go fuck myself". when she tells me she wanted me to stick up for her, and that her family bites their tongues in regards to how they feel about me because its not their place to say anything, when she says that she doesnt want people to think things about her because of what ive told them she does; to me this is her telling me shes embarrassed and ashamed at what shes done in the past and that i humiliate her by telling my family and friends.

she is disrespected by me.

while i think there is a lot of truth to that statement, i do believe a lot of what she had to say in regards to disrespect were exaggerated. she said that when she tells me how she feels i laugh at her. i tell her i laugh at her when what she says sounds ridiculous to me i.e. that im not allowed to tell my family when she hits me. i.e. when she says that i am incapable of doing her right. everything i do is wrong. and i only annoy and make her angry with everything i do and/or say.

of course im going to let out a slight chuckle when she makes comments like that. everything i do makes her angry? telling my family things about her that make them not like her being unacceptable and disrespectful? thats ridiculous. i can tell my family what i want to. they care enough to want to be involved in my life and whats going on in it. i think thats ok.

my father has a limited ability to make me feel better in times like these. he did say one thing today that is true that ill work on:

"let her yell and scream all she wants. just dont argue with her. because you will never win. thats the power of women." and hes right. in all my arguments with sarah, i was never right according to her. and she was never right according to me. occasionally she would make valid points, but i was never able to point out her wrongs. they were always acceptable, until she was really upset, at too tired to pretend like shes really a grown up and capable of making right decisions. only then did she tell me things like she was sorry. pleading with me to tell her why she does the things she does. that she doesnt want to be the way she is. that its not her fault. those were the moments i appreciated most, when she realized that her actions were not ok. up until those moments she would have no concept of right or wrong. she would just act without thinking or remorse. she had no concept of consequences, because i never gave her any. she didnt understand that people are capable of not enjoying her company or liking her as a person when shes never done anything directly to them. she thought that she would have to say something directly to someone, or an act directly against them in order for them to have ill feelings towards her.

so this is the position i am in. stuck in a permanent break up with someone who will do whatever they can to hurt me. to make my life miserable. to control me through emotional grief.

the law is designed to punish men for getting women pregnant.

i dont like this idea, but its the truth. the women will win in every way. what they say goes. what they want to happen will happen. like my father says, ultimately, it will come down to money. women think they are owed a debt by the men who got them pregnant. women are not responsible staying pregnant. its always pity the poor single mom. its never pity the poor father who had no control over his becoming a father. its always wow, it must have been so tough to be a single mom. its never, wow, it must have been so tough to be forced to have a child. its never to the woman: you really fucked up staying pregnant at your age. its always to the men: you really fucked up getting that girl pregnant.

and i hate it. i hate how its so unacceptable for men to not want a child. to realize the effort and change of lifestyle is necessary. guys understand the changes they will have to endure when they have a child. thats why most of them wait to have children until they are ready. women on the other hand, are socially protected so that if they get pregnant, they are always told it was the right choice. they have a man who will be legally forced to give them money. and if he doesnt pay, or cant pay, he is punished. no body punishes a woman for having children. but its a crime to not want a child that you had no choice with.

im not angry at sarah. im terribly upset. i am sad that she has so much disdain for me. i spent the last year and a half of my life having angry feelings for her, but still was able to enjoy my relationship with her. i will miss kisisng her. having her make me laugh with the goofy things she comes up with. i will miss seeing her happy. i will miss her wanting me. i will miss watching her sleep next to me. i will miss kissing her as she sleeps before i go to work.

but ultimately, to her, i am a fucking freak. i cant talk to her like a person. and me not having anything to say to her, or any desire to get into a debate with her makes me ridiculous. i dont have anything to be uncomfortable about, she says.

why does she call me over and over again? i dont understand. i thought she hated me.