09.15.04 - 7:11 pm

i try to pull away. she doesnt let me. she wants me to talk to her, to "let her get her way for once". she wants to know whats upsetting me so she wont do it.

i tell her its nothing she will stop. she does it every day. she will continue to do it.

in her mind shes ok with us not being together, in my mind i feel like im losing. losing what exactly? some would ask. im losing a beautiful person in my life. im losing someones company who i used to enjoy. im losing someone with interest in my life. im losing someone who kept my interest. im losing an investment of emotions and weaknesses. im losing. its my loss. the other things shes done to make my life miserable seem so irrelevant. so tolerable. because she was so much more enjoyable than how she acted in the down times.

she told me that she had to deal with me every day of our relationship. like i was such a burden. every day. for two years and five months. every day i was such a hassle to be with. i did nothing but bring her down, berate her and neglect her.

she wanted me to hug her. after her phone call today. after all the things shes said to me about hating me, being annoyed with me, not caring about me, liking someone else....she wanted a hug. she wanted me to act "normal". how am i going to act normal around her after all that? "normal" for me around her would mean me kissing her. pulling her hair from her eyes and telling her i love her. not feeling so vulnerable. so exposed. normal would be confident. comfortable.

things will never go back to normal. things will never be ok. things will only get worse for me emotionally. i have way too many problems and burdens coming my way. no one can help me. school will come too soon. i dont have any strength to cry. i just want my room and my dog. and italy is too far away for me to forget any of the difficulties i have left to endure.

"its your loss, jordan." she said as i walked away. my loss that i didnt hug her, i guess. then she drove away.