09.21.04 - 2:43 am

there are still a few things i dont understand. but i know i feel better. significantly better. relieved? satisfied? none of these. i just feel different. what changed? nothing. im still exactly where i left off. i still have lingering questions. there are peculiar circumstances that i need reasons for.

i doubt i will get any of the answers i seek. i doubt anything good will have come from those few moments of inhibition. but it was worth it. it was worth easing the pain. its numbed my discomfort to the extent of being able to function at work, socialize with my roommates and not needing songs to quench my sadness. how long does this take to wear off?

you did this unto me. now im doing it unto you.

the parking lots are all full. the sides of the streets are lined with cars. people walk the streets in groups. awkward groups of people trying to hard to act like a college campus is comfortable for them.

just wait. there are plenty of older guys that think theyre much cooler than you, and like to let you know.

just wait. there are plenty of girls who think theyre the most attractive creatures in existance and like to let you know how unattainable they are unless youre in a frat, drive a nice car, or act like a douchebag.

schools coming. nine months of hard work. effort. juggling a child and an exgirlfriend. an exgirlfriends activities i should say.

ugh.

school. ill never get what i want out of this except debt. and look, what i wanted for my future is dissolving without my consent. my future is being ruined by money, and zealots. i cant believe it. i cant believe that someone else with such a fucking small amount of foresight can just waltz right in, fuck everything up and expect people to come. to come to what? a bleached out dead barren coral reef? and whats worse is the tourists wont know the difference. theyll actually be impressed by the skeletons of what was once the most diverse and dense biological infastructure on the planet. unbelievable.

id like to say, "we're coming around...." but we are, as chumbawamba would say, "dumbing down":

"Two-thirds of spectacular coral reefs ringing Thailand's top holiday island have been destroyed because of overzealous development.

Officials said Monday that large sections of the 14.4 square kilometres (5.6 sq miles) of colourful reefs off the tropical resort of Phuket in the Andaman Sea have been killed and less than one fifth remain in acceptable condition.

Sludge and debris washed into the sea from building work across the island was the main factor responsible for the reef destruction, according to Nipon Pongsuwan of the Phuket Marine Biological Centre.

Three episodes of coral bleaching in the 1990s -- an environmental phenomenon blamed on rising water temperature and pollution -- was also responsible for the reef's demise, he said.

"Sludge from construction and coral bleaching are the main reasons which have destroyed coral reef along the island," he said.

Nets from fishing boats and tourists who sign up with the host of diving schools on the island were also blamed for a less significant part of the damage.

Phuket, famed for its white sands and seafood, is Thailand's biggest tourist draw. It attracted four million visitors last year, an increase of 1.5 percent from 2002.

Tourist officials are aggressively promoting the so-called "Andaman Triangle" that includes up-and-coming resorts in nearby provinces of Krabi and Phang Nga, as a marine tourism hotspot on the west coast.

The government has set an ambitious target of 20 million annual arrivals by 2008, more than doubling the figure from 2003, to help keep the fast-growing economy on track.

Tourism currently accounts for more than six percent of the country's gross domestic product and the government said it is on target for 12 million arrivals this year."

father and i spent an evening in phuket. then we rode a ferry two hours to the island of phi phi don. this is where i wanted to live. back to back beaches. no cars, only bicycles and long tail boats.

i have permanent scars from this area of the world. the boat that traveled between the mainland of phuket and the island of phi phi don was a terrible vessel. the rows of seats in the bowels of the ship were somehow connected to the diesel engine. in order to sit down in the seats, one would have to be able tolerate inhaling black liquid smoke for two hours. the alternative to this was to rest on the top deck, without seats but worse...without cover. with the sun beating down on you for two hours it was impossible to remain unscorched. i chose this option, and in spite of my fathers assurances that i would be fine if i put spf 15 lotion on under my shirt, i returned to bangkok with the worst sunburn id ever experienced. and by sunburn i mean red, inflamed, swollen, tender and excruciatingly painful to the point of tears. now my back is riddled with freckles. kiss marks left by melanomas and future cancer sites.

that evening we returned to bangkok, where i found myself squeezing into a tuk tuk. being a giant in comparison to this tiny little motorized bike vehicle, every bump in the road translated into immense pain for my shoulders as they playfully stroked the roof of the passenger compartment. eventually a large enough bump was hit that split open and tore the skin of my soft gangrenous flesh. this discomfort was superbly woven within the pain of the sunburn. i cannot describe how much i enjoyed sleeping that night.

or picking off the giant smear of a scab weeks later.