09.22.04 - 3:03 am

my step father says im a pessimist. he says he hears alot of anger in what i choose to say. andi said that i am cynical and sad. julia says im a realist.

well what is it?

is it all three? i feel anger. i feel disdain. i feel powerless. i feel panic. i feel overwhelmed. i feel like ive collected enough experience about my life, what happens in situations like mine, and what i have to look forward to based upon my life joined with my circumstance and added to what i know of other peoples lives. that doesnt really make sense, but what it means is that i think im sure of whats to come for me.

this is what i come up with, my two lives. the first is whats happening without a child. the second is with child:

im in college now. i struggle to even pass my classes. i work twenty or so hours a week. i like to be social. i like my friends. i like going out. i like free time to relax, enjoy doing whatever i want and laughing. i work on weekends, every weekend, so my evening times are either spent at work, or coming home, eating and feeling tired. if i have the strength i go out to the bars, or to parties but i dont enjoy it as often as my other friends. when i finally get done with school, and get myself motivated to have some sort of degree i will most likely struggle hard to find and secure a job. an internship. something i can apply my degree to. i wont get paid hardly anything. ill probably have to take up a second job. this will fill my week with 40+ hours of employment. ill come home tired. ill have just enough money to pay off my bills, my insurance, my rent, my student loans. ill be broke alot of the time. when theres more for me to pay for....i wont have any extra money for my damn hobby. right now im comfortable because im lucky. im fortunate. but soon, the comfort will all fade. eventually ill land better jobs. in the years that pass ill eventually have a career that will allow me a more comfortable life. and from there i can balance my job and my friends and my happiness. i can travel occasionally. i can spend weekends lounging around, doing errands sleeping in. ill have a studio apartment. i will be happy.

however, this is what i foresee as my life:

i struggle to even pass my courses. on the nights im not studying, im working. trying to at least have some extra spending money after bills, rent and sarah are paid off. ill give sarah as much money as i can afford, and probably more. my free time will include watching ashton, and watching as my friends all get to enjoy bars, parties and as much leisure time as they want. sarah will have me watch ashton on the weekend evenings so she can go out and drink and enjoy her youth and beauty in the company of other men. if i finally get out of college, ill have to get two jobs. i will not have enough money to support myself, pay off my student loans and child support. i will be living to work, instead of working to live. i will not have enough money to live in a studio apartment, i may have to live home or with roommates. i will not have enough money to pay for insurance. i will have barely enough money to take care of myself. i will struggle constantly. it will only be after several years, if i am able to secure a career that i will earn an income that may support myself and ashton.

and through it all, for the rest of my life, there will be sarah. always present. always a source of disdain and emotional discomfort.

through it all will be a young ashton.

regardless of how uncomfortable and miserable i get, my only hope is that i can be there to make him as comfortable as i can.

i will sacrifice as much as i can. if i give too much of my life away i will only be angry at sarah that i didnt have the life i wanted, and i wont make a good father if im perpetually upset and remorseful. i have no doubts that once hes in school, and i have a career things will be immensely easier for him and i, but the processes in which i have to get to that point are going to be tremendously stressful. getting over and through sarah, fixing my life, organizing my life, restructuring my life, all of these things will complicated and uncomfortable, and there will always be some residual anger left after all this is over. im going to work on my self analysis on another entry, this one is just getting too long.