09.24.04 - 2:21 am

im so tired.
im so tired of always being angry. im so tired of always feeling confused. im so tired of not knowing the difference between obligation, responsibility and manipulation. im so tired of being told how fucked up i am. im so tired of being told how good it feels to not be with me. im so tired of losing my temper. im so tired of hurting. im so tired of this feeling that im wasting so much time. im so tired of not being able to have my life anymore. im so tired of all of this.
im so tired.

im trying so hard to let go and just accept what my life will become. but i just cant. i refuse to accept what she says i have in store for me. i dont trust her. i dont believe what she says. but its so conflicting with what i feel inside. i have no idea what to do. i need one person, not of my family and not of hers, to say to me, "look, this is how its supposed to be with the circumstances youre facing." i dont have any idea what im doing. i dont know whats right. i dont know whats wrong.
she doesnt make it any easier. she encourages me to want to spite her. to want to ruin her life as she has mine. she wants a life? she wants someone to watch ashton so she can go and have fun? having a fun life of bars, drinking and new boyfriends isnt the life you get to have when you decide to stay pregnant. you are not entitled to these things if you choose to have a child. you are entitled to a full time job as a mom because thats what you signed up for. weekend trips to seattle? no. not for you im afraid. you have a child to watch remember?
but hes your son too.
i know. i know.....