09.24.04 - 2:54 am

a few things i need to tell you.

first, im sorry for grabbing you as i did. what used to be a slow to burn temper now is a burning rage faster than i can prepare for or handle.

second, im confused. im so completely confused because i dont believe you. i dont trust what you say. i dont think that just because you tell me this is what i need to do that its the truth.
i dont know what im supposed to do. i have no direction. no guide. i have nothing to help me do this. it was easier when i was with you, yes, because at least not only did i have an obligation to ashton, but i had an obligation to you as well. but now, without you, i have only what your vile words tell me to do. and i cannot accept those as rules. i am not obligated to watch ashton for you. there is no law that says i need to babysit your child while youre at work. remember that. because its because i care about you and ashton that i am even in this at all. this could be a lot worse for you.
i dont know who to listen to, or who to believe. im fighting this every step of the way and i dont necessarily want to. i wanted to change, and as of just a day or so ago, i felt i was on my way to accepting that i watch ashton when i can, and that i enjoy it above all else.
but then tonight happened. when i saw my life coming back into view after being suckered into watching ashton for the week and then it was gone again. postponed yet again by you. first it was just tuesday night. youd be there in the morning. then you didnt show until 730 that night. so i ended up watching him all day. well then you came back and decided i watch ashton for another night. so i did. and then you made plans without telling me that i was to watch ashton again for another night. so i did. and then you tell me you need me to watch him for another day. all of this spontaneous. i think considering i did infact have plans this week that i had to completely flake out on for you, i think i handled the situation very well. tomorrow for example, i could have very easily just not be here when you arrive tomorrow. what would you do then? youd be in a very bad spot.
i care about ashton tremendously. i care about you as well, and in spite of myself and you, continue to have feelings for you. this makes things worse because i cant tell if im being used by you (my puppet theory) or if this is really how things are supposed to function.

im so very confused sarah.

but im also so very angry. i honestly dont care that you have to watch ashton for several days. i do not think you are entitled to anything as far as you having a social life. i do not think you are allowed to go to clubs or bars or weekend trips to seattle. i think these are all things for someone without a child. but you see, you have one, and these things you desire are not what youre supposed to be doing. were this a 50/50 decision between the two of us, i would have no problem watching ashton when you wanted to play. were this a 25/75 decision in which i only kind of wanted a child, i would still have no problem.
but this is a 0/100 decision, and i want you to enjoy all of the hardships that it involves. because eventually, this is where your "karma" will return the favor. i wish i could say mean things to you in an attempt to hear them outloud and feel better. i wish i could tell you to your face how badly i wish you would get pregnant by kevin and then have him completely leave you. but i know youd probably get an abortion if that happened. i dont have any mean things to say to you, not because you were constantly trying to make me happy and change me, but because i just dont have anything to make me feel better.

this sucks. i am dealing with it. but im still going to fight it forever. just like i told you the day you found out. i do not want a child. i do not want to give you my life. its not yours to take.
this will be a battle for the both of us. it wont get better. we will probably end up with visitation times and a mediator.

id like it to be like it was when i was showing you pictures on the couch, before you got weird about me touching you. and i wish instead of me getting angry that you needed someone to watch ashton, i was glad to help out. i wonder how you would have reacted. what would have changed between us.

but i dont feel like i could ever really do that. i dont really ever feel like ill be happy to help you.

i want you out of my life. forever. i want this to be done and over with. people kill themselves usually for stupid reasons. break ups with girls, drugs, parents divorce. silly things that eventually pass. but its hard right then, too hard to live through.
but in my case i feel like, it will always be hard. it will always be too hard. and i will never be able to change how hard my life will be because of you. and how i really dont want to have my life anymore.

how i really cant wait to wake up and have the last 2 years of my life just be something i imagined one day. imagined that one day i saw you at a basketball game down in corvallis. that one day that instead of inviting you to walk with me, i ignored you and snuck out without you even seeing me.

i dont believe im playing any games with you sarah. i would be more inclined to believe that im hurting you for hurting me when i can. but i really cant tell if im actually doing that consciously.

i want the games to stop. i want the anger to stop. i want it to just be cordial. i want it to be, hey take ashton for me tomorrow night. ok, no problem. thank you so much. youre welcome.
i want it to be fun and wonderful to raise ashton, even if we arent together.
and i want us to still laugh at and with each other. i would like something back from what we had. something at least platonic and pleasant.

these are my thoughts.
jordan