09.30.04 - 11:35 am

"go find some whore. get yourself happy."
this coming from the recoil of her backhand that narrowly missed my face and brushed the back of my neck.
she spent the night here. on the couch she said. but at 3:45 in the morning i found her in my bed, facing away from me. in the morning, after my shower, she asked me for an additional $250 dollars.
after already giving her $500 on the 28th, i was a little confused as to why, two days later, she needed more. so i asked. she said she needed $900 dollars this month. to pay off two car payments, car insurance, and a speeding ticket. in spite of the fact she told me she would pay me back in a week and a half, i still was trying to figure out how she could need so much money. she said her parents couldnt help her out. and it was just this month. shes always claiming she makes more money than me. she can make $100 a night at hooters.
but there was a nordstrom bag with brand new clothes sitting in the backseat of her car. and she still needed $250 more dollars.
so its none of my business she says where her money is going. its none of my business where the money im writing her a check for is going. because its technically her money, like shes getting paid early.
i was apprehensive, and she responded negatively to this. accused me of "interrogating" her. she said i was being a dick. a prick and an asshole. that she didnt think it was going to be a problem...because shes paying me back. so after a little spat of her sitting in my room pouting and crying, i returned only to fold and give her a check anyways. it felt exactly as i had been told it would. shes manipulative. and when she doesnt get her way, she throws a fit. which i tried to tell her, but she laughed that off as riduclous and me "not knowing her" and having fucked up ideas of who she is.
i wrote her the check, and told her to leave. she said that i was fucked up and weird. that i have problems. she left in a flurry of tears only to return again wanting to talk to me. i repeatedly told her i had nothing to say to her, and didnt feel like arguing or talking to her about anything. according to her, that was me being immature. so i washed my dishes with her standing there, holding ashton, trying to get me to explain to her how her spending the night last night was any different from the other nights. how she considers me a friend and doesnt understand why i even mentioned anything about her just showing up to spend the night as inappropriate. why exactly was it inappropriate? because we didnt have sex? because she didnt show me any sort of affection like she had before? because there was a couch out in the living room with a large blanket that apprently didnt suffice?
what if i had had someone in my bed with me? what would she have done?
she says she would have excused herself and left us alone. right.
i finished my dishes and prepared to go to class, as she stood in my way and demanded that i talk to her about....my problems.
not getting anywhere with me, she unexpectedly tried to backhand me and began taunting me as i rode off. a flurry of cusswords shouted from a young woman holding a 14 month old child.
i rode off a ways, cutting through parking lots and she appeared. following beside me, mouthing out entire paragraphs in silence. all i could catch was "whats your problem?". since she refused to roll down her windows, i continued on through a sidewalk that she was unable to access.
she keeps asking me why i hate her so much to treat her like that. treat her what way? i dont tell her i hate her. i dont act like i hate her. i act like im suffering through a painful breakup. i act like im not enjoying me being alone and her already with someone else. i act like i dont need to say things to her to hurt her. i act like im trying to distance myself from her as much as possible to avoid confrontation, to avoid hearing the words she loves to sting me with, to avoid feeling the way i do.
she doesnt understand. she has a new boyfriend. she drinks half a bottle of liquor and expects me to laugh at her acheivement. she expects me to not care that those same fluids that cause her to still feel intoxicated in the morning when she drops off ashton arent entering ashtons body through her milk.
shes still 19. she thinks shes hot and can get what she wants through her beauty. she knows she hurts me and enjoys it because she too is hurting. shes stuck in between having feelings for me and wanting us to work and experiencing being sober, single and without a child in short regulated bursts.
she has anger issues, thats why shes seeing a therapist. she needs validation just as i do that neither of us are making mistakes in how we feel and how we act. i feel like shes a wrecking ball tearing through my life carelessly. why should she care?
ashton was fun to have yesterday and last night. we played in the grass. making plumage out the longer bundles of lawn and stuffing them down his pants. he waved at girls walking past our house. we taught him how to hip thrust and grunt. he spent 10 minutes laughing at the stairs to our porch.
and he put himself to sleep by taking my hand and lightly stroking his face as i held him.