10.01.04 - 11:04 am

i cant do it. im sorry. i would love to. i would love to pretend with you. i would love to believe that things were back to normal again.
but i cant. you know tomorrow youd start hating me again and reminding me how much you like kevin. youd want to tell me how much you hate me and how good it feels to hate me and not be with me. there would be a spray of profanities and degrading phrases aimed at disfiguring my esteem.
and it would work.
so instead i will refuse. ill think about you from a distance, miss you from my bedroom and think about my escape. my day that i will enter my car after class and just drive for hours just to see where i end up. maybe ill hike a mountain like boulder. or run my fingers through some sand. maybe ill run through some trees. maybe ill find a quiet lake.
either way, ill have cody. maybe a little person. and we will just be as far away from you as i we can get. and to me, that will be my intoxication. my alcohol. my denial.
my relief.