11.01.04 - 10:02 pm

so shes upset. she is reminded daily that i am going to europe and this upsets her. she is angered that im not taking her. that i didnt invite her. that i dont want to include her. or ashton. she is angry that i am doing something without her and on purpose.
thats what annoys her the most, that i dont want her to come.
she doesnt understand why. she has no concept of why i wouldnt want her to come, and i dont understand how she could be so naive and oblivious.

my computer has a lock on it now, and she cant use it without my permission and attendance. this is seen only as a irritating nuisance by her. its intended as a punishment for her previous behavior. she doesnt even notice the point. she doesnt understand.

during her party, her cousin rachel used sarahs cell phone to call my house repeatedly, over and over, over and over. when justin finally picked up the phone after growing exceptionally frustrated he found sarah on the other side and proceeded to bitch her out.
sarah didnt understand this either, she had called just once! it didnt occur to her that for the past two years justin and my other roommates have had to deal with a phone that rings again and again for what seems like hours. it didnt occur to her that people dont like hearing a phone ring continuously, especially if the name on the caller id is the same each time. it doesnt occur to her that if she calls, and no one answers the first or second time, they probably wont answer on the 5th or 14th time either. her behavior and the way it affects other people is incomprehensible to her. she doesnt care, frankly.

shes angry that im going to meet my friend julia. the bane of sarahs life. the person that represents everything sarah never will be. the person that sarah wishes she could be for me.
sarah and julia.
sarah is jealous. and she has every reason to be. she knows i hold julia in high regard. but what she doesnt know, by choice and denial, is that julia does not act like sarah, nor will she ever. sarah is incapable of acknowledging that her behavior is wrong most of the time, and that it affects me to the point where i dont trust her or her judgement.
a trip to italy is a big deal. i doubt it will happen again anytime soon. it needs to be fun. it needs to be exciting. different. exhilarating. sarah is unpredictable and carries with her too much misery and baggage. she comes with too high a chance to make things miserable. she also has a 15 month old child that is not part of my ideal picture of what my trip will include. i want to go to bars. i want to stay out late. i want to run around. i want to eat when i want to eat. i want to wake up when i want to. i want to hop trains, climb hills and do crazy things that anyone my age is allowed to do.
i do not want problems with sarah. i do not want a squirmy, crying little boy. this is an experience for me, not my "family". i love ashton to death, but he doesnt take priority over the freedoms i wish to enjoy. when he is old enough, he will be included, but at this age it is not appropriate.

the point of everything is this: sarah is upset that im doing something against her will. up until earlier today, i had felt slightly sorry for her, and been almost sympathetic to her sadness and angst. but today i realized, fuck her. im not sorry shes not going to be there. i am glad she will not be there. she is not a person i want to have around me there. in a sense i find it to be pleasantly avenging to have her suffer in her misfortune. she hasnt the slightest conscious idea why i wouldnt want her there. and that, unfortunately is unfortunate for her. for if she was able to finally realize and acknowledge two years of irrational behavior and carelessness, maybe then i would again feel sorry for not wanting to include her inside my life.
this is what you get sarah.
this is what you get for acting how you do.
this is what you get for having a child.
this is what you get for calling over and over and over again.
this is what you get for calling the police on me.
this is what you get for throwing a goddamn flashlight at my car.
this is what you get for throwing my keys in the bushes in the dark.
this is what you get for not paying me back when you said you would.
this is what you get being a bitch.
this is what you get for being so oblivious to your behavior.
this is what you get for not correcting your fucked up family.
this is what you get for continuing to smoke.
this is what you get for not caring.
this is what you get for being so thick in denial.
this is what you get for ruining things that werent yours to ruin.
this is what you get for seeing kevin.
this is what you get for kissing sean.
this is what you get for being a good liar.
this is what you get for causing misery every where you go.
this is what you get for making people hate me.
this is what you get sarah.
this is what you get for your drinking.
this is what you get for trying to be 19 and raise a 19 month old son.
this is what you get for eating mushrooms and then breastfeeding.
this is what you get for your stupid fucked up "i could drink a whole bottle of liquor and then breastfeed and it would still be better for him than formula" bullshit.
this is what you get for never having consequences for your actions.

maybe, somehow, after this is all over, youll realize just how fucked up you are. how poorly you make decisions. how careless you really are. that you finally have consequences for your actions: i dont want you around.

how can you be so ignorant. why the fuck do you think i dont want you around? its not for no reason sarah. its because you make me and everyone around me miserable, thats why i dont want you around.
obviously.