11.07.04 - 11:32 am

my fingers are stiff and cold. my body is tense with muscle contractions trying to heat itself.

i saw alot of things this weekend that made me feel a sense of loss and lonliness that i havent felt before. at least not anytime recently. i also read words that continue to push me farther and farther down into this place of unfortunate conclusion.

i see happniess within a relationship. i see happy couples who smile and carry themselves so warmly and with such comfort that its embarrassing to think about my own relationship. i feel ashamed. i feel sad mostly.

i want to hold hands. i want interest. i want there to be enthusiasm on the other side of the phone. i want her to never say the words "whatever" or "i know you think that but..." i want there to be agreement. there doesnt have to be fights. i dont want there to be poison. i want to want her around. i want this person to be included. to be excited to invite. i want my friends to push me to include her in our activities. i want to feel good at the end of our conversations.

i cant say im actively looking for these feeling or experiences, because im not going out of way to find them. but i have my fingers crossed that somehow, some person soon will stumble across my lap and find us happy to be together.

to be honest, to have anything would be better than what i have. its so soured and rotten that no amount of pretending will remove the foul taste from my mouth. its not going to be up to her, its going to have to be up to me. again. this reoccuring theme of strength and failed intentions. i cant do it. i cant bring myself to put away this thing and leave it there. im constantly pulling it off the shelf and using it. especially when no one is looking.
and its not as if its making me feel any better either. it just continues to reaffirm my feelings and subdue any intentions for further change. a perpetual cycle of love and hate. an endless ribbon of self inflicted torture that ceases to stop.

happy? yeah. i know what its like with sarah. when? all the time. i can laugh with and at her. i can smile when i touch her. i can feel warm and blessed when im pressing my lips into hers. when we hug. when we laugh. when we act like shes done nothing and ive done even less.
why dont i write about it more? why dont i write more about her and i happy?

because im not. we're not. i thought i already explained that. its pretend. its fake. shes biding her time inbetween men. in between comfort and excitement. in between feelings of hope and the vibrancy of change. kevin. other boys. alcohol and parties. cigarrettes and lighters. strippers and bars. fake IDs and intoxication. laughing and hotel rooms. plane flights and seattle clubs. dating and sex.

let her.
just let me go first.