01.15.05 - 11:06 pm

ugh. to say i feel ok is a gross understatement. i feel ill. no they didnt do that, but they did do....that.
neat huh? feels good to finally know right? you know, instead of not knowing. the confusing. the questions.
it makes sense that it should feel this way.
shes torn. im trying to hold in my insides, so they dont leak out all over my clothes.
youre going to have a boyfriend.
im going to be alone. and make out with lots of girls until i feel good again.
youre pissed about italy. im pissed about alot of things.
so what he calls you all the time and wants to be with you. he didnt hate you for making him a father. i promise that would change things.
it took me nearly two years to feel ok about it. it cost us. it cost us dearly.
now look at us. apparently youre doing this because of me, and not the other way around. how should it be? should i hurt because you did? i thought you said thats fucked up. i want you to be sad and confused and scared and worried about me and what im doing. because thats how i feel. i dont think its fucked up. its honest.
yeah, i really just want you to be happy with him.
fuck that. thats a goddamn lie. i know that and so would you. or at least i hope you would.
go shower. go call him. go have someone to run to. ive burned all my bridges. im tired of whining about you. its time i just sit and marinate in this by myself for a while. my doors shut. i shouted through my door "not right now". i have sad music playing.
could i call julia? juliadan. no. shes the climax to a good song. playing in someone elses car.
chad. chads in another state.
my little boy? hes asleep in a crib like structure at my moms.
cody? locked outside my door. sad that i wont let him in. i wish he could respond to me like ashton does. i wish i could turn my back for a second and watch cody trying to put together the protein skimmer i just took apart. so that i could angrily say, "hey, dont touch!" but really feel overwhelmed with adoration.

sad music playlists. and a keyboard that feels like buttons made of soft air.
goodnight.