01.18.05 - 11:34 pm

theres a count down started. a clock has been set, and is now ticking away at the time between now, and when i finally find out shes had sex with him. tonight perhaps. shes been unusually unresponsive to my text messages. and her two messages, and earlier phone call were both dry and void of any pleasing elements.

we are done. finally. this time its it.

all the other times, as happy as i was to be done, i never really thought id be without her. she was always going to be there. regardless of the title together or ex, we would still be together. just...seperated by anger and frustration.

i wasnt changing into who she wanted me to be, and she wasnt behaving how i expected her to.

but now, shes really pushing me away. and probably realizing that its really not that hard. that she prefers it this way. without me. once she sleeps with him, she will have thought to herself, what the hell was i doing? why was i holding out? why was i even the least bit confused? why was i wasting my feelings on missing him, when i have this?

soon it will become worse. tuesdays and thursdays and every other saturday night. those are the evenings they will have an empty house. in addition to the several nights ashton is being watched by someone else. shell call only to see how ashtons doing, to find out when she needs to pick him up and whether or not i can just meet her somewhere instead.
shell arrive, ask me how he did, ask me to put his car seat in her car while she smothers him, and then say, ok, bye and drive away.

wow. she has a boyfriend shes serious about.

i have debt and a fish tank. and i keep hearing the front door open up, and i hold my breath, begging for it to be her.