02.02.05 - 4:03 pm

so things that i have established:
there is a two week continuum between her and i. it starts with her missing me and telling me she wants to break up with blaine, but doesnt know why she doesnt.
then she it will change back to i waited to long to realize my mistakes, i went to italy, etc. and she will tell me she likes blaine again.
two weeks will go by. i will do my best to ignore her. speak to her only when absolutely necessary, and make the ashton hand off as quick and as silent as possible. this doesnt seem to bother her at all, as she does absolutely nothing to change this.
days will go by, i know shes with him. she doesnt call or write. i dont feel the need to text message or email her and it reaches a peak.
then she will start to say things like: she misses me. she lies too much to blaine. she wishes she could break up with him, but she just doesnt. she says she misses us and being together.
and so then what do i do? i fall into her trap. i start text messaging her. i start writing her emails. i start talking to her on the phone. we start talking about our relationship and from my position it seems like shes finally coming around and ready to be with me again. a day will pass and she will be completely naive to everything and anything spoken previously. she will be with blaine still. going to parties with blaine still. and apologetic that i hurt.

this is the cycle. its gone through two of these so far. maybe three. unfortunately, this was my last one. i cant do this anymore. and i refuse.

in the past it was just as i was ok with everything she would bring me back down to start over again. now, im pretty far up my ladder, and i dont think i want to come back down this time.

im like a goddamn fox who chewed his own foot off to get out of a trap. i have to realize that im never going to get that foot back. its gone. i have to learn to live without it.

and thats the worst part, not so much that its gone, but the realization that i have to learn to live without such an important part of my life.